this is it.

you know how when we were younger, perhaps back when teenage hood has gotten the better of us and we start to dream and write goals or aims. or simply what we want to be when-we-grow-up. I’m not really that kind of person. i never knew what i wanted to be. it swayed from being a:

i. police officer (although i know i would chicken out at the sight of blood…already medicine line is nowhere touchable)

ii. teacher (probably what everyone wanted to be at that time especially when you admire a teacher, but i don’t know what i will be teaching because i don’t excel in any particular subject especially not Arabic although that would have been cool if i had mastered it back then)

iii. a writer because i did enjoy writing. for every teenage angst, there’s always that period of writing poems as a form-to-express-yourself. i remembered having exercise books writing ‘novels’ of unrequited love. lol.

and then somewhere along that period of uncertainty, i did part time at a community library and that was love love love. absolutely. i think i enjoyed work more than school then. and for the longest time now, when work became too overwhelming, i sometimes wonder why don’t i just go back to be surrounded by shelves and books.

perhaps. if i had been simple minded and wasn’t thinking of getting a degree, i would have been a librarian. and perhaps life would be very different now.

then the term ‘comparative religion’ caught my eye. i didn’t know when or how it happened. it was just that, maybe, i started to hear my seniors back then flying off to study and you got inspired and say wow!! cool!! go to Uni! and this utopian world called International Islamic University Malaysia seems to be THE place to go. destiny seemed to have paved some way for this i-don’t-know-what-i-want-to-be me. i almost decided, then, to be a comparative religion expert, maybe go all the way take masters and even PhD. be an academician, a researcher, anything to continue to indulge in my second love. i loved the world of reading, of finding out the unknown, of writing and making sense of my thoughts, of trying to understand why people believe.

enough reminisce. i succeed. i graduated. i was grateful for being had the chance to experience one of the most memorable 3 years of my otherwise normal introvert life. i went to work. (although that was another story to tell…) and then continued to work, doing perhaps item i, ii & iii thrown in altogether, if you think about it.

but nothing to do with my two loves. except i always known that i want to continue studying.

so while at a crossroads, and searching for my self (it’s a thirties thing—> turning.30) and what is it i want to do with life, when i think life is not going my way and why do i burdened myself with other people’s expectations. i somehow made myself submit an application to do Masters.

the first time i submitted, i got accepted. it was a nice surprise. but then i got sidetracked by the fees and thought i was not ready to do it. i did not accept the offer. although comforted in the knowledge that i am still qualified to do a Masters study.

the second time i submitted. i was not sure they would accept me. i leave it to Him. and that big orange envelope came again. i told myself i had to accept this. surely they will not accept me if i rejected this again and then submit another application the next year or something. it is now or never. just dive in and do it already! just do it for myself! after 11 years of slogging, take it as ‘rewarding’ myself! just do it and think of the consequences later. i am financially fine. i took that as a sign.

this is it. i am happy to call myself a STUDENT again.

a MASTERS student. in a third love – education.

who knew dreams could continue after 11 years?

ps: to commemorate this, i created another category for my masters journey. as per ‘tradition,’ it’s usually the song titles from fave bands. some of these had been from Muse, The Used, Finch.

<guiding.light> by Muse. welcome to Seri Studying Again.