between reading and doing some paperwork
between sleeping and continuing to do work …errrrggghhh
i’m so distracted by eat, pray, love. i wanted to do my work but everytime i stepped home, i can’t seem to follow through. i have tonnes of things to complete and not enough time at work, that i thought i would finish them at home. but a BIG NO.
i can have all them papers and notes but it can take me a while before i can accomplish something. but maybe it’s just my brain and body’s way of telling me that stop, it’s your rest time, you shouldnt be doing any work. you need to recuperate.
yes, recuperate. before i go on and rebelliously procrastinate things.
well, i’ve been to two talks for the past days. its mind boggling and as much as i missed those days back in uni reading all those books and attending lectures, and being in these talks somewhat brings back those reminiscence, apart from some fine information gained, i cannot help thinking, let’s leave all these theories to the thinkers, and let me do my work! irony. for one of the talk, or they call it workshop i went to was something on ‘thought’ leadership. very sociological and trying to instill in us on thinking strategically and having that sociological imagination, ok simply, having that bigger picture (for God’s sake, i learnt sociology back then). i mean these are good information for my work. i love knowledge. but am at a rhythm where i just want to get things done, practical mode. and i love thinking but if i want to think, it can take me a whole day just thinking and reading and trying to form hypothesis, but now i cannot do that.
and when people starts spewing those (word)-istic terms, with those oh-so-debating mode, i shut myself off. for knowledge sake, they’re just presenting and sharing their research. let’s not be too much argumentative about it?
and why am i so uptight about this?
oh yea, can i say it again, living in this small dot of an island is…difficult.
november rain
and so i wanted to blog. after a day of laundry and suspending a sub and reading for the second time, The Glass Castle (because it’s also a gift from you). and now on to gilbert’s eat pray love. when by right, i still have oh so many pending works to do post-retreat at batam. it’s a dread. but it’s work, you just have to do it.
let’s congratulate dear fren dyan for the beautiful wedding accompanied by heavy november rain, which, for a split second, i felt like happy tears for her, him and their family. like there’s one more soul encompassing us. bless her dear late mother. and my fren especially, looked gorgeous! the devil in manolos no more! 😛
although as her ‘maids’ we pretty much have work to do, but i realised i enjoyed the whole event especially when the dj started to play songs from her playlist, which pretty much similar to my music genre (muse, no use for a name, radiohead and etcetc)and seeing people having fun at the photobooth with some funny props.
some of my personal faves from the many pics i’ve grabbed from the bridesmaids’ cameras.
the very best for dyan and zaki. and while i’m writing, i mean, blogging this, they’re probably somewhere in Europe~
and the meet with beloved girlfriends is fantabalustic and encyclopedic night with jokes and sharings and surprises. with the sudden excitement on mcd monopoly (everyone rooting for sentosa cove) and selebriti ‘treatments’ and pseudo magical powers, and oh yes, definitely tis the season to get married. 😀
i love them babes.
although for the happy moments for a friend or with friends, i also had to sacrifice some time away from my one and only. i hated having to disappoint you…and seems like it’s going to be this way for the next coming weeks:/ okay maybe not as bad as the past weeks, i hope. and you have shown much patience since day one i’ve known you.
we still have a sunrise to catch. but a lifetime to experience it.
and no i did not forget Y*una
and after the whole load of burden taken off and the excitement of checking out the very very competitive industry of wedding services.
we get to finish off the week with Y*una LIVE. so much for going for a 10th anniversary m*occ*a performance, we’re there @ SAM for Y*una~ and we love it! there were four local performances to start off, well good to know we do have talents, and apart from the drums and guitars, i don’t really understand what is it they were singing. it’s either the music’s too loud or they don’t sing clear enough (redundant seh seri) but anyway….
…you’ve got to love this girl! she sings real well (and clear at that), down to earth and her band members are all talented guys~
although it’s a bit unusually different to have a mini concert at an auditorium albeit smaller than expected, and the room not even half full!!
of dresses and dais
for once, after a whole series of reminders and…well…naggings from your highness, i am officially headache-d by the many bridals and catering services. our initial plan to just go checkout less than three services, but it expanded that now, i can’t decide which to choose!! it’s like from one service to another~~ but one thing is, we can’t really compare between these services. each has their own strength and specialities. and every single detail is important~ the dresses of course, the dais(!!) and even food is utmost important!
although i’ve ruled out some bridal we’ve went to, i’m still left with one, or two, or three choices..
i never knew it had to be this difficult!! almost like a lifetime decision seh~
so amidst the meetings and work, i have these to think of, but i actually ENJOYED it! 😀
and i did one thing which i’ve always wanted to do and although it brought a lot of courage and i really felt a huge relief after doing it! and i say, a huge relief. almost like a big stone taken out from a load i had to bear. i’m happy it happened because for all that was in the past, they are good people. one was a very good friend. and i’m just glad i got to share a glimpse of joy.
hope for the misery
i do not want to lament about work. because as much as i am so stressed out with work, there are other people out there who are have much more responsibilities, more time spent at work, more rushing for reports and whatever, so much more than i could ever have. it’s not just me who are working, but probably billions of people out there, who are facing the same busy mode as me.
but i have to say, these days, i’ve been putting up a calm face, smile and listen to whatever has been discussed meetings after meetings with utter concentration and focus, when in reality, i’m just fighting tears and headaches. i think i have never been this stressed out about work. my work is already chaotic, add up to being one staff down and me taking over for until the new kid comes in, like double work already!!!! no, triple work!!! it’s too much la seh~
and still i have to move on. i mean, no point whining or complaining right? i’ve always been that, Take it all in, and just do it. to h*** whatever happen.
because only i can do it. (that’s another thing, people seems to think i can do it, when sometimes i wonder what if i actually can’t?)
of songkets, lacy affairs and stomping rebana
last weekend was probably one of the weekends that will remain in memory for quite some time.
for the first time ever, in a gathering with delicious scrumptious food, i wasnt able to enjoy them as much as i would have imagined. macaroni medley, bread and butter pudding, sate, brownies and just everything nice! if you’re wondering what event? it’s a teachers’ day cum eid gathering at begonia downtown!
i happened to be the so called floor coordinator where i oversaw that everything is on time (or at least try to, when we started 30 minutes late!) and alerting the emcee-dj warna of what comes next and all. by the time it was lunch, i was just so exhausted i couldn’t care what was on buffet~
i guess things went well except for a few glitches, like our video clip couldn’t play out nicely with the music, since the laptop was lagging, and the few minutes undecidedness of whether to continue with the performances or continue after lunch and whatnots. people might not noticed, but at the ‘floor’ its not that organized. i don’t know if it’s just me or instructions are just coming from everywhere! i was just glad it was over! still, i enjoyed it all the same. everyone did work hard for this.
so afterwards, went to the lacy affair of red and pink at the majestic with the bride’s maids and the bride aka the devil in manolos! the place was fantastic! i love the place and i love spending the day with them girls! managed to catch two movies the proposal (although we didnt finish it) and bride wars. tabooing the words ‘wedding’ and the groom’s name and anything related to it was the funniest, apparently most of us seems to forget the taboo rules and unconsciously mentioned them words couple of times! penalty? spanked by the devil’s fork-
and scrumptious pasta, chips and dips, chocolate fondue with marshmallows and strawberries ~drools~ and yes, cameras and pictures of us!! and for once, i got my ‘wish’ of being in america’s next top model~ 😉 the pics made my day~ but well, restricted to only 7 of us, not for public~ 
and if being there during your wedding marks a sincere friendship, i will want to be there, it won’t make up for the years and part of your life i’ve missed but i hope it shows how much your friendship is important to me and a big chunk of my school memories revolves around you, i mean, there’s roswell, and endless notes we passed during lessons in class just so we’d stayed awake and rave about max and liz and whatever comes to mind and introduced me to local bands and was it Big O mag that was our supplement english readings? i have always admired your intelligence and confidence and unique creativity like a personalised invitation card for studygroup, birthday cards and whatnots. and it’s not dyan if it isnt chuck palahniuk’s books…
it’s just sad i couldnt stayed for the night, and i hate to give the reason that i had to work on sunday mornings!! i hate saying it becuase i shouldnt be working on sundays~ *sigh* i would love to jump into the pool!
that was what happened on saturday…
sunday was about stomp, ear thumping and clappings and amazing beats out of cans, rubber tubes, plastic and whatnots. entertaining much! i love it!
still having the drums ringing in my head, and guess who i get to see just at the concourse?
maman of teacher’s pet singing live!!! and playing the last song: Kasihku pinjam wajahmu!!!
and our music adventure doesnt end there, when we went out and saw there’s a malay cultural performance at the outdoor stage @ esplanade (or was it called outdoor theatre?) it was riau cultural music with much drums and kompangs, i can’t understand a word-songs and dance performances.
as much as i was exhausted and tired last weekend, i enjoyed everything. 😀
thank you to the bride and bridesmaids(!) and dearest, for my weekend felt almost like a getaway from the word ‘work’ and anything related to it (although i did bring along some paperwork, albeit ‘unseriously’ read)…
and thank dearest you for being there for me.
i love you
a nice blogpost i come across from http://pure-essence.net/fun/you-know-its-love-when/
i had to post this on as it reflects some of what i’m going through now myself and somehow a relief to know if i’m on the ‘right track’….
some in coloured fonts are those which are new feelings i’m experiencing now.
You know it’s love when
- the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of before you go to bed is him/her.
- the very thought of being without them makes you want to cry
- whenever you are feeling down, all you have to do is imagine their cute little face and you begin to smile
(mono: or i would think of days we spent together) - you get that feeling of fuzzy e rushy love (i.e. you feel all funny inside, you get butterflies in your tummy)
- you would give anything just for time to stop so you can be with them just a few more minutes….
- thinking of him/her sleeping brings you the most peaceful, sweetest feeling
- you can communicate with them without speaking (am not sure of this but we do think of the same things at the same time, right?)
- you make up little things that only the both of you know about
- all you want is to make them happy
- you get a rush just from seeing them, or a touch. better than any drug
- they can make you cry so easily, be it from sadness or happiness
- you can never imagine even being with anyone else (never. verbatim.)
The truth about true love
- If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.
- If you find someone else in love with you and you don’t love him, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return.
- If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.
- Remember that you don’t choose love. LOVE CHOOSES YOU. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them. Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.
- Love always had been and always will be a mystery. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. If you keep your heart open it will come again.
Love or Infatuation?
- Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.
- Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.
- Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
- Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.
- Love says, “Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence.”
- Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you can admit it is difficult to be in one another’s company unless you are sure it will end – in intimacy.
- Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
- Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check.
- Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved one feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.
- Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.
- Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person.
Ten questions to ask yourself about your relationship
- What do I want from this relationship?
- Have I told him/her what is important to me in a relationship?
- Does he/she tell me what is important to him/her in a relationship?
- Am I happy with the way things are?
- What type of changes would make it better?
- Can we talk about touching?
- Do I feel good about the touching we do?
- Am I feeling pressured or am I pressuring?
- How does the relationship affect other things or people in my life?
- Who can I talk to when things get tough?
The definition of mature love (and all of these which i feel we are learning to be, or maybe already are despite knowing each other in a short while)
- both are individuals apart from the other
- each accepts the fact that neither is perfect
- the relationship is strong in tough times as well as happy times
- the love gives each person energy to devote to all aspects of life
- the two people are close friends
- each person continues to grow as an independent human being
- there is joy in giving as well as receiving
- there is honesty and trust between the two people
- each feels a responsibility to the others well being
Infatuation is not love
- the person depends on the relationship for self esteem
- the person takes more from the relationship than they give
- each is jealous of the others separate activities
- the relationship drains the person of energy
- the person is afraid that the other person will lose interest in them
- the person can only think of the other person
raya 2.9 and its even
so i’ve been browsing so many raya pics from the (part of your life and updated every single second!!) facebook. what makes me happy looking at them photos are the smiles of the family members, the babies(!!) of so many acquaintances and their many firsts (first raya, first dress, first shoes, first time moms and dads and first whatevers) and yes i love the colours! i love looking at purple, green, brown, blue, pink (yikes!!pink???) pretty dresses! (it’s becoming a hobby nowadays..especially…. :P)
raya this year has been simple, like i mentioned before, but with a difference…we are even numbers this year! :)) all those years taking the public transports and mam would always say i’m always the odd one out because sometimes i ended sitting alone on bus journeys 
i must say we are all happy to have you with us this year. who would have thought, last year i was just a simple independent naivete who’s always been ‘alone’…..i am still a simple independent (in times of need) naivete but…yours. and it seems my blogging nowadays always referring to you. well, i don’t think other people are reading mine anyway~
one year can make so much difference. unexpected but pleasant, or otherwise, unexpected and heartbreaking. i mean really, it felt like such a short time when a year has gone by. and countless changes, experiences, feelings have i felt. and as always, there will be some i took as some learning journeys of my life, and while others part of the many beautiful colours which paint my memories. but anyway, this post is not about life.
it’s about taking everything in a day and make a picture of it in my mind and heart and appreciating the blessings i’ve had so far. i feel like i’m becoming a greed at taking it all in. i felt every single thing and moment in this life must be captured and treasured. every smiles and laughters must be remembered. but of course, giving my trust to the One and Only. Forgive me Lord. we always forget.
but i’m loving my life now and let’s have a look at the purpled family.(and of the blue and maroon-ed)
Raya 2.9
hecticness beyond description. working weeks no end. no proper rest. working long hours. coming back home and rushing to clean the room, clear the mess, bake some simple cookies just so it ‘felt’ like raya-ness and hey, actually shopping much less this year! which is record breaking.
why? because i’m working, mom’s working (which is terrible) and dad’s home and had to do a lot more, we had quite a last minute shopping last saturday. really, rasa sedih pun ada because of my younger sisters and brother so looking forward to raya, and wearing nice clothes, looking pretty and handsome….it really was nice to see them sisters getting dresses they like and wearing heels this raya~ all in all, our shop for raya is quite minimal but i like it! haha.
and one disappointment is we couldn’t get to rent a car because simply we think it’s a bit too much to spend 4-500$ for a 3-4 days rent of car and pretty much most rentals are fully booked.
like my mother kept lamenting, sebab kerja ni…mematikan mood raya betul!
raya mode is not in by now, maybe because of the tiredness and all i want is to have some proper rest and enjoy food. erkkk…
oh yes, working on the eve of raya, albeit half day but still! and semi working on pagi raya. i don’t think i can be used to this!
but let’s look at a brighter and better angle. at the least, we have fasted for a whole month (of course minus 7 days for us ladies), volunteered time at the mosque and spent nights terawih and managing to read (although managed to read only half of it), still i don’t feel i did enough. sometimes i hate myself for that. but the past cannot be undone. i pray for His mercy. for His forgiveness.
a nice eidul fitri to all. may all blessings be upon us insya allah.
and what matters is being with my family. my beautiful family. my life my joy.
and then there is you. 🙂
living seri 
