I think it’s one of my moods taking over for this period of time….I don’t know, I want to be quiet, I want to get away from some people, I feel like I’m some stupid person doing nothing, I feel like I’m obliged to follow some people without my willingness… And sometimes people took me for granted, like deciding to do something without my presence and assuming that I will follow suit without any say.. Like this sudden decision to go someplace…they never said anything and suddenly asking me to follow like as though my opinions don’t matter, well I had my reasons for not following now. Furthermore, it’s not like it mattered if I don’t go. They have themselves, I might just be one stupid person following around. I don’t know, I don’t have to feel shitty about all these but I am and I don’t know what’s the cause of it. I don’t know why I must feel shitty and stupid?? Sometimes I feel asphyxiated with the same people around, me just like a shadow whom people think I am nobody without them, like I’m some dependent fragile thing! Me a shadow whom people don’t see anymore but see them instead just because they are loud.

Coming here have been a dream for me but the surroundings don’t exactly match the dreams I’ve build. I’m a seemingly nobody and people don’t care and I don’t care. What do I lack?? What is it that I don’t have and need to do to build it up?? I want to get rid of this shitty feeling.

I’m going for my archery training later this afternoon and I hope to shoot off all the negative feelings I have and start feeling happy again.. Can I just rid of it??

Oh yeah, it’s someone’s birthday today… I’ve sent a birthday wish but he’s yet to see it… I hope he knows that I’m thinking of him on his birthday and all the prayers I’ve said for him. I know he knows.