I have found myself, for the past few weeks, even though with the too many things to do, I still have time to actually sit down and read up my books every night, found time to look out for infos for my many assignments.

Alhamdulillah, I guess Allah is showing me that I can do it after all, I just need to work much harder. Though at times, I still wonder, why am I doing all this??
Why am I almost volunteering or at times unconsciously willing to do all this?
Why do I take it as my responsibility to have things done??
Am I even doing the right thing? Am I saying the right words?
Are these what I really wanted to do?
I never imagined my life would be this way when I first stepped in this Uni.
What am I looking for actually??
Most of the times, I’m just taking it all without really thinking about myself, instead I’ll be thinking, will this going to happen?
What if no one said anything, are they going to do their tasks?
Why can’t people do things without being told??
Why does pointless things always occurs when I wasn’t there to guide??
And then cry as always when pointed out?? Crying means screaming for sympathy/ attention, well that’s how I was taught and brought up and thus me and my siblings don’t always cry. Not in front of people.
I’m being egoistic am I?? I’m being cruel am I?? But do they ever thought of others?? Do they actually stop and think for others instead of themselves?? Is everything hard for one? And what about other people?? Others do not have feelings then. Only one person in this whole world does?? How can actually be so self centred??
But don’t they ever think?? I don’t like listening to alasans, because of this and this, because of no time blablablabla. I’m sick of reasons!!! So very sick of it. When you can’t do it means you’re not putting your heart and soul into it and which means you’re being selfish!
I’m sick of selfish people, because I tried hard to please people. I tried hard Lord.
Please show me the right way, the burden’s too much for me.
Why did I put myself in this place? Why did I bring myself to just do it Seri, go and do it. For the sake of WHO?? For the sake of Who? For what?
Please guide me Lord, I’m just a nobody trying so hard, wanting to be learned and knowledgeable and dreams of defending the truth.
And then some people don’t seem to just care?? Don’t give me a staring look, waiting for me to say something, instead of them making the first move??
What do staring do, what difference does a missed call make? A BIG NOTHING, I tell you.
If nothing is done, means nothing is needed, and I don’t have time for this, Lord I don’t. I’m sick of everything. I’m sick of the species from MARS. May my heart made of stone??
The path I’m treading has changed, it seems longer and further for me to reach out my hand and hold on to that dream, I suddenly found myself being the leader for too many people.
But I’m just not the right person, am I?
I’ve never dreamt about this….but I’m reminded of a comment a teacher of mine gave when I was only in primary 2, “..having leadership qualities…” What is leadership? What did I do to make you say that? Why is that foreseen many years ago?

YOU have helped me again and again. Thank YOU. And I’m praying again that you will still lead me and guide me. Please take care of my family, because amidst all these worldly matters, I’m afraid that I might forget them. I take it for granted that you will always protect them. I’m fortunate to have a supportive mother and a calm father all the way since day one I’ve been here. I will not fail them. I have some very great friends that I trusted though some may fall along the way. We are all victims of events.

So help me Lord.