it may just be not the day that i want it to be? and how do i want it to be? i have no idea. i woke up this morning feeling tired rather than refreshed, despite sleeping earlier than usual, at 11 and woke up to the sound of the call for subuh. and then i chose black instead of the initial frilly beige. had a good start for the day actually, and then it became wrong because something trivial that happened.

of all people that i had to crash to, it had to be that senior. and it’s the second time, two days in a row. what the ttooooottt is happening?? why suddenly becoming visible after so long? ok, yesterday was totally unexpected…was from class, going back to my room for lunch, was standing at celpad, taking out my umbrella, and there. coming out of a car, a girl beside. …so well, at least a sign that senior is still alive and breathing. lowered my umbrella, so that i don’t have to see them or them see me as i passed.

and just now. had lunch with aili, got up…i actually had this bad inkling..but of course how would i know what that meant? and there, surprise2, had it not been the group of brothers gathering there, i might have to say hi to senior, which i don’t want to. and senior wasn’t looking up at that moment i passed senior, i turned to the notice board, as if was busy checking out the posters there.

so why does it matter?? oh hell, nothing’s the matter. thinking back, that’s what i really wanted. to see senior with another girl. to assure myself, that i have not been the one flirting around, that i haven’t done any hanky panky with other guys, that i have kept my dignity all this while, that maybe right at the very back of my heart, there is a minute hope. but yes, it’s proof that the other side was not serious, never was and never going to try enough. seeing the other with a girl does not hurt me at all. just anger. angry that once upon a time ago, i actually thought that this might be it. when i know all along, there never was any seriousness and there were only games. so good. don’t have to bother me anymore. of all things that had to happen around now… it has to be this. s-h-i-t. i have kept myself clear headed all this while and have not been looking. so it’s not my fault. : )

and my leather ark sandals gave itself away. it lasted a whole year. i’m going to miss my favourite sandals. and had thought that i could spend the night studying, but instead, the office wanted to do spotcheck. that lasted the whole night, by the time i reached my room, i was exhausted. so what a day.

this. is. me.