i’ve postponed blogging long enough already. i just need to clear my mind, do some soul searching before am able to do this. i have so many things in mind, got all mixed up. i am always thinking 24/7 and many things have left some impact on me.

being home is really a body and mind therapy. am glad to be at home this very minute. amidst the exams, i did face some melancholic times but with the girls’ advices and support, the melancholy pass and am able to get over it. thanks to qzai, far, aili, zha, syaspec who had lend an ear and thoughts for me. those were priceless. but being among you girls is all i need when i’m far from family.

the thing is, it’s complicated. i don’t need to be sad, though i did, and i don’t need to be angry but there’s an atom of it in me. but above all, it’s such a pity that this happened to people who were once close to me but i chose to pull myself away from them just because i’ve had enough of them. is this the price i have to pay? or is God merely showing me the Reality? Giving me one last sign that things are just not for me, a wake up call. am not surprised if she had had something going on since before i silenced myself from him. well there you go, the people from silent-land pairing up together. well, good for them. but as breaking benjamin’s song says it – FORGET IT.

for one thing, her words will somehow always hurt me, in the manner and tone she talks of her family and their neverending happily ever after events of the year, it used to be a pleasure to listen, but it got out of hand, and she managed to confuse good news with exaggeration and showing off. i tried to take it all in with a smile. but then….there will be times when she seems to forgot that there other people living in this world who had bigger problems and faced emotional distress other than her, and jokes don’t always come out at the right time. and the public tears she shed. i told her to keep those to herself and not infront of others but it went unheard. and that very night when she said my name loud and clear to be the head for this stupid follow-up prog…and you know why that hurt?? because at the same very minute, i was refraining myself from suggesting her name because i had the THOUGHT that maybe she already had too much in her hands. Why couldn’t she be thinking the same thing??? that maybe I had my hands full of things as well?? and if she meant it as a joke…then didn’t she remembered i had just settled the matter of new mrcs alone and actually rushed to that stoopid meeting??? i just need a little care and concern at that moment. and thus that’s the zephyr. the tipping point of a friendship which was already hanging by the edge of a cliff. Forget it.

and the him that i spoke of. well, am glad i did not let myself in too deep. there were just games and senior never really show any obvious signs, so it’s not my fault. i don’t need to do the chasing do i? senior, thanks anyway for the brief memories. but i guess it stops here. I thought i might have been the one who hurt you but then again, i don’t think so because there was nothing between us. Forget it.

and the one last thing that had clouded my mind was about one, a friend after all, and remains a friend one will, and the bittersweet words of the past and the semi bliss memories. it hurts to finally let go but it will pass. and there’s still the questions left unanswered but that will remain as it is, because i will not let myself look for one. it’s my ego. i did my part. it’s not that i haven’t been contacting one, i did, it’s just one who prefers to ignore them. how heartless. because if you don’t want to be friends with this person whom you claimed to be ‘i -don’t want -to -lose you-friend,’ you might as well just say it out loud because i will be more than happy to throw you out of my life. and the problem that haunted me was everytime i swear that i will hate one, i ended up forgiving one. but then…it stops here. forget it.

so do you know how huge a burden is relieved saying all these?? it really is a relief, a new breath of air. and i’m ready to face the new day. it felt like the blanket of darkness had unfolded itself.
just memories in spiral notebooks. there were happy moments and i’ll hold on to that.