i have a good part and a not so good part for this blog. let’s start with the good part before my mood deteriorates.

my night out with the girls, well, minus aili (we so wish you were there with us!) and fana and the rest la. there’s only 5 of us: me, shasha, syaspec, za and surprise surpirse zaimah!!! haha, of all the times we got ‘rejected’ by her busy schedule, she managed to join us! (and she almost cancelled at the last minute because of a meeting) but all the same, we are SO SO happy you came, Zaimah!!!

still, a swensen dinner and two hours of tell-all is never enough, don’t we?? apasal eh? haha. there’s still so much to confide in u girls. things you only read from blogs, is never the same, things u don’t read from the blogs, is much more unsaid.

we took pics with za’s handphone, so we have yet to get the pics from her. will put up the pics(yang tak seberapa) later.

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before going to the not so good part. while i was just getting recuperated from a few days’ inner-self loss, i suddenly woke up one morning, thinking, surely i won’t stay single forever. surely, there’ll be at some point, i will somehow got married, have children and blablabla. surely, you cannot stay this way forever. you have to grow up.

i have no idea where these thoughts came from. it was like as soon as i opened my eyes, these thought came tumbling in. it’s not like i dreamt something, i actually had a good night’s sleep. and then i brought myself to reality, and life goes on as usual. and at that moment, i actually chided myself for thinking as suchs. that’s why i never blog about this before.

and then i remember why i was ‘ilham-ed’ of them, my four closest friends from school, who have stayed all the way by me, namely dayah-mahir-dy, well, for the record:

dayah’s married, dy’s engaged, and mahir just announced she’s getting married next year. and not forgetting some other girls like johana and ain’s who’s blissfully married and oh-i don’t know who else-la already married!

these are the very girls i grew up with. who’s practically the people i’ve lived with for 12 years! from blur, kain senget2 girls to smart, blossoming, pretty girls, endured all kinds of phases together, you tell me, KRU-mania? BSB-mania? yeye-experts? the ouija board quirks, the sweet personas, the rebel personas, the goody2 personas, the naughty ones, you name it, we’ve been through all ….. until we finally found who we really are.

so yeah, i had been seeing these same people almost everyday, and they are changing right in front of my eyes! well, change in the sense that they are not just any ladies, they are already somebody’s wife, some child’s mother! and i’m still here.

but that’s beside the point.

now here’s the bummer.

Mam suddenly dropped a bomb and gave me an immediate headache. her friend’s nephew is looking for ‘someone’, let’s let your daughter (that’s me) get to know him??

???!!!!!!

what? your nephew’s looking, why would i do the work? shouldn’t he at least try to get to know me first? and my mother was actually excited about it, siap ngan email la, friendster la semua! and she forced me into viewing this person’s friendster to see how he look like and asked me to email him! (now!)

what???!!! now, this is really getting me intimidated and annoyed big time! i wanted to shout “stop” but i can’t. i can’t shout at my mom. i start my defensive wall, one-liner answers to her demands.

so ok mam, we will look at this guy’s friendster. look up friendster’s search. there’s only one him with such a name. no doubt about it.

and one look at his primary photo featured, and i knew. i knew how people who looks like him thinks, works and their ‘taste’. typical. and the resemblance with one is a shocker. mam, i so know how these people are. and i don’t think i like him, mam!

and mam was still pushing me to email him! and then Lord forgives me, i snapped at her, NO! which i regretted doing.

it’s just too much. pressurising.

yes, i would like it if i have someone who cares for me, but not this way. not this ‘looking and searching’ way. i don’t want to like a guy and do all the work and pining so much just to get his attention. i’m tired of those. i’ve had enough.

i’m just not that kind of person.

well other girls can look all pretty and matured, i don’t. and i don’t care how i look half the time.

well other girls could smile and get guys one after another asap. i don’t. and i don’t attract people if you know what i mean.

well other girls are living off credit cards at 25 and travelling to places, well i don’t have those yet, i have not achieved these dreams i have.

i still haven’t get that Masters, i still haven’t go through driving test, much less a car, i still haven’t a stable job, i’m still having an inner-fight with my brainmatter, and most of the time i look like some 16 year olds.

i pretty much don’t have a direction in life. don’t even mention a partner for life. i don’t have the, how do you say this, the…blueprint, the attitude(?) the looks for it(?) whatever la eh. i just don’t and it’s driving me crazy that Mam keeps asking for if it’s not him, it’s him. and she always grumbled when all these us-tads i’ve been working with are attached-engaged-married. and every other day i see these people, they look like, hmmm, us-tads, to me.

i know Mam, you have my interests at heart, i am after all, your first in the family. but i just can’t. i don’t make first moves. i cannot bring myself to do it. i’m not like some girls who made the first moves and actually got the guys.

i cannot define or describe myself to be like some girls.

this is driving me crazy. and i’m going to hide myself in some hole. and not come out for…ever… can?