I had been postponing blogging for so many times. so many memories which i had wanted to express and locked in poetic living. now it seems all those memories doesnt seem to matter anymore at this point of time. we lost one person who mattered so much to me. one person who mattered the most to my husband. invalid but such a strong presence in this home, quiet but her silence is comfort, knowing she is always home, sitting by the window or watching tv. a smile when someone calls her.

i used to always look into her room whenever i passed it, knowing she’ll be there sleeping or sitting on her wheelchair, it’s almost a habit, having done it for the past 7 months. even now, my head just automatically looked into her room. stabbed my heart to find it empty and realising she’s no longer here.

it still feels surreal. it’s like it is something we should be expecting, her health had been deteriorating, but mother in law had always been strong. had always been there. always. is it true she’s no longer here? my mind still a blur although busy with everything. is it true?

i didnt think i would cry so hard or felt her loss as much as my husband and his sisters would feel, but i did. she is a mother after all. i would say i am lucky to have her as a mother in law although i came into the family too late, and i didnt get to learn so many things from her. but i know she is such a loving person. i know she tried to treat me as a daughter in law, so happy when i came into the room and having a conversation, trying to understand as much i can her slurring chitchat. holding my hand so tight, nodding to whatever im sharing with her. i took things for granted but im going to miss her. really miss her.

i hope i have been a good daughter in law in this short span of leaving under the same roof. i know i could have done more. but making work as a reason for not spending much time with her, it really makes me hate myself. i really do. and im playing with thoughts of quitting.

mother, i pray for tranquility there in the other side. you have been a great, hardworking and kind mother, may we meet again in heaven. amiin.

and never take things for granted people.

****************************************************
why i’m thinking of quitting. i hated the fact that i was thinking of the madrasah and the retreat the night we had been called back to the hospital because mother’s blood pressure is decreasing by the hour. and i was still contemplating of going to the mosque that early morning. but i was glad i didnt choose to, but i hated those thoughts. and i hated that i received calls from transport? from uniform vendor? from parents? from some relief who had to play diarrhoea on me like a stupid joke and left me scrambling for other relief. i hated all those because i felt like shouting to them, im greiving here, just leave me alone. my husband needed me, my sisters in law needed me. just stop!

but i am thankful for having such a reliable group of asatizah, and reliable youth who we can always turn to for relief.

and quite honestly, i really feel like i want to quit. but i do not want to be too impulsive. i need to really think through. i need to soul search. i need to increase my knowledge. i just feel like taking a break from all this.

please guide me. God.