I really think that this ramadhan is moving way faster than i remember from the previous ramadhans. It’s already, can you believe it, 19th of Ramadhan! with ten more days to rush for, no no, not the baju-s or kuih-s but the much anticipated lailatul qadar. ok i dont want to sound like it’s some game or what, but I really hope that i will at least get to wake up and ask for His forgiveness one of these days. i just need to go back to what i was used to.

So Ramadhan, please go a bit bit slower will you? please please give me a little bit more chance?

it’s actually a very different ramadhan for me this year. i miss break fast with my siblings. especially when both mom and dad not home, we’ll order some fast food or i might cook if i had the mood, and we’ll set the table together, on the radio for as loud we want waiting for the azan, and the best part would be the talks we would have during iftar. there will be so many things that my siblings will be sharing, their jokes. i really miss that.

and down here, sometimes i felt sad because mother is not here. i imagined if she’s still here, she wont be fasting but she might still be around, probably eating with us. cant believe that she wont be here to celebrate Eid together. like how did it happen at all?

and back home, i have no idea how my siblings are doing. how my parents are getting along after that period of tension. i know in front of me they acted as though everything is fine, in fact both of them did not mention anything to me except what my siblings told me but i hate it that i dont have control over events. i always felt when im there, im able to control things and make sure everything is fine. but i cant anymore. and its affecting my system. i feel lost sometimes.

Work hasnt been helping and its barely at the edge of falling. but still something tends to bring me back up, its either a meeting with other teachers, a workshop i went to, a book i read and tells me to ‘look, just stay on for a while longer because these people needs you, no, the children needs you.’ but i know my motivational energy is getting lower and lower by the day. it’s a constant inner fight that sometimes i dont know what i want or need to do anymore.

it is a constant fight. like how do i tell my teens to be good when half the time i dont know what my own siblings are doing? and all these threatening what ifs in my mind.

i’m losing control.

But i hope this Ramadhan has made me think alot and reflect. so even if there are no clear answers i hope i know what my next step will be.

urgghh i feel like scrubbing the whole floor of this house. really. mopping doesnt give me the satisfaction anymore, heh. 😉

Allahu musta’an.