no. please do not be shock by the title of my post. as you might have read somewhere in my older posts, my titles can be random at times. i was just playing Bullet for My Valentine’s album of the same name. i forgot how much i used to love those kinds of genre songs. oh the band wasnt the best of the lot. there were avenged sevenfold, breaking benjamin, atreyu, what else? havent been keeping up anyway. where are all these bands??  i dont know whether i influenced my siblings or they influenced me haha. i cant say i have been a good elder sister influencing them there but im quite surprised and a little weeny bit of pride at the choices of songs they listen to. quite a variety actually but not the mainstream. Anyway, yes, not a good elder sister influence there. i know i have many other goals which i want my siblings to do. well, this year is all about picking up the pieces.

seriously. my heart screams for all these aims i never got to do. but my babies are all grown up now and busy with their own things. i hope my proposal for a different work schedule this year is approved and i get to recover the mess i left. i like my fridays but they are schooling and my saturdays are spent on other people’s children. my sundays? well i returned to work every sunday last year and i do have my chores to complete.

anyway 2013. please be kind. i dont usually have resolutions but i guess the feeling for 2013 is a bit different. it’s like i am determined to be kind to myself. and what i meant is, my job is not everything. the job is difficult and cruel at times. even as of now, i have pending works and my brain is kinda reeling around those list of things to do. but i want to stop, pause, breathe and take comfort that tomorrow is another day, i can finish that task tomorrow AT WORK. and 4 years on the job, i am better prepared and confident to do what is expected. students and parents, bring it on! haha. ok be careful what i wish for. students and parents, please be kind. because this year is not for me to be a plain manager, it’s the year to lead. i had set some foundation. its a work in progress i understand that now. nothing can be perfect. but at the back of my mind, everyone is scrambling for a point of reference, even the parents. i need to take things more seriously, not that i havent, but in the few years we are starting, i was so into getting the teachers, arranging lesson plans, teaching and all them reports and paperworks. these things will be part of the job, but i feel there is more to the job than just this.

i am not perfect. no. i may not be the best person to be here. but while i am here, i should make the best of it. Allah, please guide me.  like a strike of inspiration, i guess You have given me the answer to my prayers. yes. i know that now. You have always guided my decisions. for now, i know You want me to be here. for now.

still, as i have mentioned. work is not everything. i have my husband. my family. my self. they are more important than everything else and me is important. my husband needs my care. and i mean it. i realise he has been doing all the caring and love. i havent do much. apart from the simple chores i did…i simply havent do much. and i want to do more. and my priorities have changed. and work is somewhere down the list. if this work requires me to be fisabilillah. than it will. it will not be forced on me.

it is scream aim fire. in other words, start, aim and do it right.

its like i find myself all over again.