i am really feeling the challenge of going through this contemplating me:mission. with all that is happening and my days all haywire, i just pushed all these thoughts and ideas away. it went right through the hole in my mind. forgotten.

last weekend was a short holiday for most people but it wasnt for me. in fact i worked extra long hours for two out of the three days.i dont know if leaving my husband alone at home and not doing my simple responsibility  as a wife, but instead spending two whole days at the mosque and coming back late from work, i dont know whether i am gaining rewards or otherwise?? he let me go, he send, bought breakfast and then he fetched me, he keeps quiet about it, he doesnt eat properly when i am not home and only had dinner when im home… so i really dont know if i get rewards for serving the mosque but leaving my husband home. and not forgetting almost ignoring my parents and siblings altogether. and that family outings were planned according to my time instead of the majority and when things dont go as I planned, i got mad at them.

this is my challenge. or better termed as dugaan in malay.

i used to think my life was quite smooth going, and that things are going fine but i realised it is not. this is my obstacle in life, a challenge a choice which i i find myself always fighting. i still am. inner and outer. everything my mind my body my soul. and unless i make that ultimate choice can i embrace the true me.

and honestly, i am very worried about my physical self. my closest friend advised m to go for a check up, she even gave me her doctor’s contact and i cant even bother to pick up the phone and make a checkup, alasan being i dont have time. it frustrates me.

i do not like having to choose between work and family, but most of the time, i feel my self screaming angrily at me, not knowing whether i make the right choice or not. it has to be a conscious and willing choice. not forced or just because i have to. this needs some thinking.

turning 30 is about knowing what you are and your purpose. i thought i found my passion and i know what i like doing. i know what i want to pursue. in truth, i have many things i know i can do and want to do.

my limitations was confidence and my intelligence. my weakness was once i feel im not good enough, i fell into a black hole and shut myself up. the problem is, i should not feel that i am not good enough because it limits my potential, my thought process and my productivity.

Lord help me.