it has been awhile since i get to indulge in this kind of day. i have the whole subuh to myself, trying to make a habit of building up a bit on my spiritual thirst, which i have dreadfully been ignoring. i will try my best because i feel like having a child and ignoring it throughout and not knowing what it will grow into without nurturing it. maybe that is why i have yet to conceive. i have to take care of myself before i can be entrusted with the amanah of bringing up a trust and gift from Him.

and that is what i have been blaming myself of. i have always thought i am not good enough a sister, daughter and wife for not being able to be there for them everyday and guide them. but i havent even educate my self with all these inner needs and spiritual development of this self. no doubt i was brought up in a very spiritual environment back at school but you got lost along the way. seriously. becoming too tight up with work, tight up with the ‘needs’ of this world.

my life is almost complete. but my needs is nowhere near to ideal. i will try to balance this out, put in more time and effort into educating my soul. it has to start from now and eventually, with His guidance, i am able to guide my family.

no, soul, don’t rest yet. there is many you and i have to do. i am sorry for neglecting you. i am sorry that we have to endure this now. but we will do it together. for us. for the people we love.