so that poem has been playing in my head almost the whole day since morning. perhaps it came because i am a year older starting tomorrow. perhaps it came because it seems like every other person i know is getting pregnant by the dozens. ok, exaggerated. i mean, i am jealous of people who seems to be so easy to get pregnant, sometimes lost one and then poop, another one comes. like don’t they ever stop reproducing? and i am honestly sorry, but i cannot be happy seeing you with a baby bump. you, whoever you are. it’s like hi, so long never meet, and suddenly, what, another one? already? you know those awkward moments. because i don’t know how to react anymore to hearing pregnant news and you, no doubt, do not know how to react knowing i have not yet any. and then it is better to just keep quiet.

i have never really say it out loud. but hearing news after news just breaks my heart. i want to be happy for other people, but there is always a rip that i can hear in the deep core, i ended up feeling numb. and then i just retreat in my shell and pretend life goes on as usual. when it is not. because someone else will have an addition in the family, because someone else will get to be busy and start posting pictures of anything and everything related to babies, because someone else’s life has changed and i am still here. still me. still just me, no upgrades yet.

still, i am pretty much lucky and fortunate. because my aunts and uncles, even his side, never and i say, have never pressured us or questioned us. i guess, its pretty much in the family.

we will keep trying. eventually Allah will answer our prayers.

so, happy birthday to me. my wish: a baby, please.

but my wish and prayer too, that Allah protects me and my husband, and family. i have been truly blessed with so much more from Allah, that sometimes im ashamed to be yearning for a baby, because really, Allah knows better what is good and right for me. He definitely knows when i will be ready to receive His gift or otherwise. He knows the mystery of what lies ahead for me. so for all that He has bestow on me and my husband and my family, i am grateful. and saying i am grateful is not enough. i am grateful to be breathing till now and may Allah grant me longevity and health and strength to serve and accomplish what He lays ahead of me.

Ya Allah, embrace me and my husband in Your love, mercy and protection.

so much from and for this man. thank you for loving me.