its two third of ramadan.

i have not managed to pray tarawih since. but i managed to keep up with tahajjud for many days now. that is the only consolation, if i can say so. my nights, rather, were filled up with looking after children in the activity room we provided for this ramadan.

it’s very tiring. especially on days when i came in at normal working hours, helped with iftar preparations, and right after maghrib, i will have to get ready at the classroom dedicated for the children. and then when i finally wrapped things up, usually about at abot 10.30pm, i scoot back home, clear up the kitchen and prepare something for sahur, before hitting the shower and devote an hour for tahajjud and Qur’an reading.

i had a day or two iftaring at home but most days hubby will be alone. and on these one two days, i don’t feel guilt but i do worry about the activity room. like i know there are one or two volunteers who will be there but i may worry if they could handle it.

i try to do what i can do as much as i can, for the mosque. but i honestly dont have the same energy i would have say, maybe 5 years ago? i feel tired and burdened most days. especially on ramadan. because i try so hard to serve the mosque and not neglect the family too. it has been a constant battle every year. but i guess i am already numbed to the battle and its just do-what-i-can and pray-Allah-accepts whatever i did. not for comparing, not for people to say i stayed more than others, not for anything. it’s a constant reminder of doing things liLlahi ta’ala. it’s not easy though when you are fighting demons and people’s expectations and comparison. but i have learnt to erase them thoughts.

i think this time around, as mentioned before, it really is about me. im trying to bring back the flame that was lost. im trying to slow down and find me. do i still love what i’m doing? why do i feel like im not progressing and stuck in a rut somewhere, not able to move on, not able to feel success and feel like im a failure all the time.

but perhaps tonight is where it ends.