July has been a roller coaster of emotions. apparently.

i tried to get back up again after such steep curve downwards in my life graph.

although ramadan did gave me some spiritual strength amidst physical drain.

there is always something that is not right, like as if i am a teenager still searching for some clarity and constancy.

being in the thirties make me question so much about myself. i question alot about what my values are, what my goals and purpose in life, and especially what my priorities are.

but this is a story to tell on another day.

summary of July.

Chester Bennington of Linkin Park committed suicide. i still couldnt believe it though. LP was such a huge part of my teens. when i was trying to fit in and couldnt, trying to identify myself through songs because i couldnt put myself in any specific ‘group’ of people. i found connection to LP. all those nights being online (those days, we were just quite new to internet, with chatgroups and blogger was the way to go for writing and expression. oh dear, all those messageboards or forums on LP. begging my dad to use his card to sign up to LPUnderground. and that was where i belonged. i was introduced to an international world and chatting with people halfway across the world. an autographed picture of them was a prized possession. and that was the only one.

mostly LP’s songs were/are perfect to my ears. CHESTER B, we love you. my heart still breaks just talking about it.

ELLA. and then there’s Ella bringing me back to my pre-teens listening to malay rock songs. and Ella is the Queen. for ever. singing along with every song, watching her still her. so true to herself. so true a female rockstar, no pretensions. two hours don’t seem enough. permata biru. ELLA, we love you.

i had birthday dinners with both Kamirs and Tweevrans on separate occassions. and times like these are truly precious. because my weekends are always a battle of dividing time between work and personal.

but i am grateful.

am i?