so here i am. sitting at the dining table. my furry little companion sitting next to the box of tissues. sleepy but trying to stay awake as she looks my fingers typing this post.

and then i stroke between her ears. trying to tell her, it’s ok sayang, go ahead and sleep, i will still be here. she closes her eyes.

it is a good sunny day today. surprisingly bright and hot after days of stormy rains last week. there had been many planes flying over hougang skies. could be some airforce training. probably due to the clear skies today, perhaps they also take the opportunity to fly and protect. well, the peace around is sometimes disturbed by the thundering sounds of the planes.

the radio has been on for days. i think it is perpetually playing Kiss 92. i dont really care what songs came up. when i’m alone, it provides some noise, and perhaps some good songs got played, i could dance to it, i could sing to it. but nowadays, it plays christmas songs too. and then i tell myself, my God, this is a Muslim house, why are we playing this channel?

so i got up and change to the Malay channel, Warna 94.2fm and perhaps the call of prayer will be played soon. perhaps that is what has been missing in this house.

what i did today? woke up feeling heavy at heart. worried. anxious. unclear. i did some exercise, following a youtube video from the BodyProject channel. and the most consistent so far i had done all week. perhaps finally i found a channel that could make me exercise, that wouldnt make me jump so much because of these pains on my knee (the doctor said i am too young to have knee pains). perhaps an exercixe routine that doesnt tell us to do too many steps at a time, because honestly i could not follow the steps. well, this particular video i am following is doing cardio workout for beginners. 5 days following it. i enjoyed it.

i sit in front of my MacBook Air. braving myself to read emails, work emails. i read them. but i don’t have the energy to reply to any of them. and i don’t care. i have the classes list from google docs on automatic. looking at it makes me sick and helpless. i still need teachers but i dont know what i can do about it. maybe if i look at it long enough, it will be filled up with teachers’ name magically and i could finally rest in peace. every day, i worry about it. all i can do is to post up the poster on facebook, forwarded the same poster in whatsapp group. and nothing or no one ever come up. i don’t know how to face 2018.

i felt bitter. seems like everyone i know is going away on vacation. and i am still here doing nothing and suffering. my heart is heavy. i worry too much. because there is so many things needed done. but why am i the only one worrying? do no one else seems to care? i feel tired and sick of doing this every year.

i tell myself i should not feel sick. i should not feel bitter. but by telling myself this, am i running away from my real feelings? am i trying to make myself feel better then? do i?

i want to do nothing. i want to think of nothing. i want to free myself from responsibilities. i want to dissolve my leadership because i feel like i have done everything but everything is not enough. i am tired. i am scared.

and then i tell myself. stop. keep moving.