i slept early last night. i was not tired physically, i did not do anything heavy duty, for the lack of a better expression. i spent quality time with my little companion. i watched The Crown on Netflix. i scoot to my parents’ house to feed the cat and walked back home. i cooked dinner. it’s not much. i barely sweat doing them all.

i was exhausted in me. strange. after 4 days of forced down time, i am more heavy hearted than ever. perhaps, seeing photos of a dinner get together, which i was not a part of, makes me feel more alone than ever.

i have been at this job for so long, but it strikes me that i am more and more alone now. i do not have anyone i can confide to. i put up a show and tried to smile. no one should know how much i am struggling. because the rest have to remain strong. and so i put up a strong face.

i woke up early this morning. in a daze, i sat up, and commented ‘oh the little one is hungry,’ and then i laid back on the warm pillow. Hubby about to wake up ready to go to work. but i didnt sleep back as always. fed the little one. prayed Subuh. read a page of the Qur’an. ma’thurat. got ready for work.

i couldnt decide whether to scoot, to take the train or to walk to work. i omitted scooting. i aimed to get 10 000 steps today.

after a hard time, as always, of saying goodbyes to the little one. i left for work. 5 minutes past 9. i am late. i could still walk to work. that will take me 20 minutes fast pace. i couldnt decide. got out of the lift and walked as if towards the walking path. and then i turned around. crossed the road towards the mrt station.

it’s a sign. i couldnt decide on what to do. it is a simple choice. but i was unsure. i decided on one, and at the last minute, changed the decision. without basis. without reason. other than… what?

it is a sign of indecisiveness. a sign of unsurety. uncertainty. unknown. i have been indecisive for the longest time in 2017. i let people decide for me, or i let the course go find its way, or then, like a bull heading straight on to the target without thinking of its consequences. i am tired of thinking. i am tired of making decisions. sshhh…be quiet. i do not want to decide.

i am writing. sad mode. i am not whining i hope. i loath whining. perhaps this is an expression of my inner feelings. i think i want to do the timeline again, my sadness could still be in the deep core of my heart. what is it? can i let go of this sadness?