i was ready to sleep.

finally completed a long long process of 333 entries for approvals. always a tedious and most exhausting task of all the things i did on a yearly basis. it would be ok and doable if i did not have these 300 names to look through. but anyway, i beat my 2018 record of completing this. it’s usually due on a specific date and the idea is to finish them by 12 midnight. i completed those at around 3am, past the due date and time last year but i was crazily head on just typing out whatever i could do. this year, i clicked on that last ‘Submit Now’ button at 11.15pm. i am feeling really proud of myself! it calls for a celebration! sleeping ‘early’ would be the best because i have been sleeping late these days doing these entries.

i really was going to sleep. did my night prayers. and then my brain seems to carve some words i thought i would note it down here.

i prayed. i was seeking His help to show me the right way. He has always been there to pave the way. i find myself at this unexpected crossroad. it was so different from last year, but i guess all this started…from the moment i mentioned the q word to my boss. i told him i was ready to quit. i was going to give myself a chance until the end of last year before i make my leave.

i could throw back to 2015 when i did my nlp thing trying to make a choice. it did point me to 2018. i waited patiently and persevered. then 2018 came….

and then things start to spiral over in a different path. and i was saying to God, it seems like the path has been set for me in such unimaginable ways. it didn’t look like i am making the choice or the way even…it’s other people paving it for me. i could tell a story one day. how it all converge and keep bringing me back to this point.

God, if this is the path You lead me to, if this is the choice You have chosen for me, i pray and ask for Your forgiveness. for always, You handhold me in this journey. You have seen me through the sweat and tears. through the struggle and exhaustion, through the joy and happiness, the laughters and kindness. i am just trying whatever best i can give to this second home. everything i truly could. i pray that You look at all these and tell me i did well. that You could take all these and forgive my shortcomings and weaknesses and sins.

and if this is the path You have decide upon me, that it can make me a better better person in Your eyes, that i can be of service to this faith, that it can be better for everyone around me and those whom i love, and that no matter how heavy it is, You will make it easy for me.

because You always pave the way. You always have.