here’s what one month and a half affects change.

i became somewhat anxious when slowly realising the weight of the work i should be doing or expected to be doing, at the same time, wondering if whether i can fit in socially and work wise. the work is supposed to be familiar things but i was forced to look at it from a different higher perspective. a helicopter view. a statistical way of looking at things, almost academic at times. you know you’re in real s*** when terms like policies and directorates and ministries, research companies coming in to provide us the numbers and recommendations seems to interlace in daily conversations and meetings. it’s like, what have i gotten myself into?

i suddenly have to step up my gear and put up all the thinking hats i have ever known, be quick thinking to write proposals and reports, be fast enough to catch up with the way things are done around here.

and then at times, you start to feel a bit more comfortable and people don’t seem so hostile anymore and that all insecurities are just your own mind games, when people around are really just too absorbed with their own work they barely look up from their pc, but at the same time, a simple hello and a smile is all they need, or rather, just what i can do to break the ice. i definitely have to start remembering people and names now, so i don’t embarrass myself, that’s all. i pretty much do well independently but then again, a little socialising will do. and try to express yourself better please. i hated having to socialise but people around here are all good with conversations! confidence level tip top.

i cannot deny though, the breaking feeling back at the old workplace. i find myself, unable to ‘connect’ as close as i can be, because i was ‘never’ there in the first place. i mean i feel very much welcomed still, but i cannot be the ‘leading voice’ anymore, because i am not. i am lost in their conversations because i wasn’t present with them. what used to be me doing things and giving instructions, to say the least, now, i’m not one of them. i don’t know whether i should feel guilty? but i keep having this thought that i should not interfere anymore. which is true right? but i wasn’t sure why i had to feel bad about it? or sad? or feel left out?

that dilemma of finding the fine line between still wanting to be a part of your old life but not to interfere, and keep some space between me and them. sigh…why do i have to think so much?!

at the end of all this, change will get easier, things will get better both ways.

we used to think we are indispensable, and that nothing can go well without us. its humbling though, to realise this, that we are not indispensable, we are replaceable. because really, we are here because He puts us here. and that i am where i am because He has place me here. for whatever reasons i have yet to discover. my prayers used to be, i will be here for as long as You put me here (old workplace), that i can still do whatever i can for the place, i will. i guess now, He says no, you’re not needed here, but at a different place. and so my prayers will continue to be, if my place is here, the now, please guide me to work better for You. i will be here for as long as You want me to.

i cannot think or wonder too much about the future, but to focus on the now, on what i have to accomplish and give my best as i always have.

let the good times roll.