it’s always pretty trying when changes happened close to ramadan. my second month at the new workplace is in ramadan. it’s almost like a culture shock but subtle, a reverse of everything i am used to. what it used to be: too many things needed to be done, rushing to catch up with the days, always coming back exhausted and crashed, having no weekends to speak of, that ramadan is literally just about work day in day out.

say if my actual duties of an edu head which means; ensuring communication with students and parents remain clear, parent teachers meeting preparation checking 1000 remarks and logbooks, and around these times, it also means ensuring the teachers prepare for holiday progs, i will still be doing on fee assistance matters, and then going through the list of students for outstanding fees, printing out statement of accounts and individual letters. and about this time i will also be preparing for continuation process. another set of 1000 individual letters and ensuring every student has a space for the following year.

in ramadan, there’s always additional jobs- taking alms, preparing iftar, children activity room, ensuring ladies have space for terawih, and doing as much as i can to help with events. i go to work at normal timing and always the last to go home. that’s not to say an overnight or two towards the end providing support for qiyam prog. i realised im always rushing during ramadan and honestly couldn’t care much about home and family. ironically, i rushed to do even a small act of ibadah. many nights, i was at the kids activity room, i couldn’t spare energy for terawih.

but i am grateful enough that God has let me to step back for awhile this year. my prayers felt slowly paced and calmer, because im not rushing for zakat duty or whatever pending things i want to accomplish. i was able to be back home for breaking fast at least 5 days a week. i still spare a day or two to help out for iftar at the mosque but it wasn’t rushed, i was not expected to, i was not required to be there. it really felt more voluntary and i don’t feel tight knots in my brain always having to make decision. it felt nice to be following instructions for once.

and the most distinct difference is the terawih i was able to perform. i just feel more calm and more energy to stay throughout 20 rakaats. i rarely got to do that honestly. i was free of any expectations and what used to be work, im now just one of the congregation. its liberating. im going to enjoy this while i can. is this what normal feels like?

i imagine like im taken out of a movie reel in reverse memory and going back to normal. im going to appreciate this while i can.

allahumma inna ‘afuwwun tuhibbul ‘afwa fa’fu’anna.