some.sense.of.security

As it is

perceptual positions

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after much procrastination i finally did perceptual positions.

i procrastinated because, yes i had been busy, but i also do not have the opportunity to do it with always being around people at work and hubby around. so today i happened to take some time off and right now at my PV home. i procrastinated, too, because i was scared of the truth. but doing this perceptual positions is supposed to break whatever belief or perspectives i am currently having and to learn to manage and understand about the other people we are having ‘problem’ with.

so i did. two different persons and on two different issues.

one i had to desperately do because i have been having these bad emotions and vibes towards to and i cannot afford to live this way, i need to clear this self and heart from this bad feelings before it shows in my behaviour or my words and actions towards the person.

and i was surprised. is it possible to feel and finally learnt that the other person had ego and built a wall between us? i felt such closed inner self. like ‘i should not reveal to anyone my feelings and that everything is ok with me’. i felt that need to just close oneself and keep things to the self. and loneliness. it was not a fear but just a feel of unsure and uncertain of how one will face that loneliness.

and i learnt to involve that person. this is truly my home and no one is going to take that away. i am at peace.

the second had a desperate need to control everything, for whatever reasons, just that exhaustion and desperate need. i felt so much tiredness. but i think i learnt a truth and such grievant truth and i found out that forgiveness need to be seek, from specific person to another specific person.

i am at peace. like nothing is pulling me down, i am clear of myself and consciously aware of the difficulty i faced and the other persons. i am able to be true to myself and be sincere to the other persons. it had been a relief, like a whole burden taken off my shoulders.

i am truly glad i learnt nlp and able to use these tools to face my own demons.

Eid 2015

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my eid has been quite spiritual for me this year.

for the first time, at least, i realised for the first time, the takbir gave an emotional effect to me. like i finally understood what it meant and how it felt for Ramadan to end. like i finally understood that i am going to miss Ramadan.

i trained myself for this Ramadan. i had been training my inner self for this Ramadan since last year’s when i realised i didn’t do enough. it had not been perfect but i hoped it is much better than last year. it’s really about setting a goal for myself. for the unconscious mind. it worked.

i fulfilled many nights of terawih, even if it was not 100%, i forced myself to wake up earlier before sahur and performed tahajjud. but it had been quite a challenge work wise. a challenge of hearts and integrity and i felt that was one of the worst challenge i ever had in my years at work. i didn’t come out a victor but i surrendered myself to God. i prayed for His guidance and hoped that i would be at peace. i learnt my lesson.

we are never perfect. but i pray we strive for perfection in His eyes. we are weak. but i pray that He nurtured us towards strength in piety. i pray that one day, i could smile and know that i have fulfilled my duties, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife…as His servant. amiin.

follow through

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time is going too fast this year. already we are one week away from the third month! the third month of the year already I tell you. I somehow felt we should still be in January now.

I have put my whole heart mind and energy into my job and have some sense of work life balance as well. certain things I need to learn for now after two months of fast going routine.

1) I need to learn to let go. let go and let other people take the lead. because otherwise I am always anxious. learn to have full faith and tawakkal that whenever I am not around, things will go as it should be. it will be OK. I have to believe in it. it is all in the mind really. If I don’t learn to let go and let others lead, I am going to be stressed out and probably get high blood pressure, because that is how I am feeling these weeks.

2) Learn to be less serious. this has a lot to do with controlling how I react to situations. its either I take it positively and take it less personal or I start blaming myself and feel all negative about it. I used to be able to only see the positive sides of things, but being where I am now, I do have to be critical about things sometimes because otherwise we cannot learn. it is all about feedback. but it is also a balance of circle of control and circle of influence. there you go, some nlp and 7 habits practised together.

3) the planner works like….heaven!! I love my weekly planner and it has been my bff ever since. after trying out so many apps on productivity, I knew I am still a paper and pen person. it puts things more in perspective of what I am expected to do, help me to compartmentalise my work, family and personal life. made it more obvious and the magic of writing it down – it is a commitment. thank you Kikki K for just the right kind of journal I needed. it is just the simplicity and its functionality. ‘decorating’ it is not my priority, it’s more of impromptu-ness. some coloured pens and highlighters is all it needs. although i do have the life stickers that come with the journal, some small cute stamps i bought and i finally found a habit tracker that is not an app! its just an added on small piece of paper that i was able to paste at the corner of each week. i love it. everything i need in a journal.

4) i learnt that there’s only so much we can do in a day. the first few weeks of the year, i would be writing down a whole list of tasks i need to do for the DAY, but i realised, at the speed rate of work i am doing, i only managed to cross out a few items and have to bring forward the rest to the next day, to which, i had initially list other tasks. so apart from organizing my workload into days, like Mondays for research like and Tuesdays for paperworks, i decided that i can only achieve to complete three tasks only in a day. 1 major tasks and two additional somewhat minor tasks. because otherwise, i got stuck doing one thing and i cannot move on doing other pending tasks. already my job sometimes take a lot of time such as fee chasing and data records, which requires me to be meticulous. and then i don’t do other stuffs like lesson overviews and lesson planning. so yea, learn to let go (item 1) and accept that i can only do three tasks in a day. not more than that. so far, there has not been an idle day in my weeks now.

5) time is of major important factor in all this planning. and the power of foreseeing how much time you need to do a task or a meeting or whatever it is, is indeed very powerful. i have always trusted my time-thinking instinct and i am going to continue to do that. like when i know i have to chair a meeting, i projected my mind that this meeting is going to take only an hour. an hour it will indeed take. perhaps an extra 15 minutes allowance, but somehow i manage to stick to the time. if i have to attend a meeting, than usually that will take two hours max, so i will plan out my day to work around that two hours meeting and list out tasks which are manageable and doesn’t require much brainstorming or decision making. because after a meeting, depending on its subject at hand, i can get very brain drained. plan your time. it works wonders.

6) it has become a bit more easier to switch from my conscious mind to the unconscious. especially when i have a goal to achieve or something i really need to complete or accomplish. writing it down is the visual aspect of motivation. but the unconscious mind has a bigger role in making it happen. the belief that i can make it happen. it takes a while and some practice but i believe it is better for me now. it gives me that mind-nudge to just do it and follow through. same thing with the teachers when i do my contact time with them. key word. follow through.

7) and that brings me to one last thing. communicate. communicate. communicate. make time to communicate. with the teachers, full time or part time, i need to make that effort to ask how’s it going. because then that is one way to follow through. and i am teaching myself to take any setback or feedback or challenge as a positive thing that makes our worklife more exciting.

if i am down, there is no reason for my teachers to get that vibe and having that heavy hearted and down feeling as well. even if it is a mask, i will try to make myself feel better and see all these as the colours and spices of the worklife.

and my unconscious mind is set on becoming a good wife too this 2015! planning planning planning. and follow through.

january passed on

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well january certainly pass by very fast. the good thing is that i think i fare quite well this first month and there has yet to be any idle time at work. i worked hard.
the bad thing is that, i am exhausted. and when i mean exhausted, i need more time to recover which i do not have that luxury at the moment. because it seems everyday there is work to finish and accomplish. and february is no mercy either.

but with my weekly journal, i think i am more organized and less of those ‘i don’t know where to start!’ periods. it really really helps having these lists planning of my week day by day. and seeing them every day, makes me ‘pressured’ to complete them.

life a bit more exciting with the new home but struggling with some inner drama and emotions. honestly a struggle. because i lived 4 years plus staying in another’s home and finally having a home i can call my own, i dont think i will get the freedom or the privacy or the ownership i yearned to have. i feel like i have to suppress myself a lot and be the follower for so long. im a cancer, i need to be in solitary and independence and crave control. i cant have it in this current home and i expect to have it in the new place. because otherwise, i am going to be stuck in this same pattern of living which i am tired of. but being me, this is going to take time to just console myself. i will suffer heartache, i will cry alone. and then i hope i will get better.

all those nlp tools i am going to throw at myself for the time being.

An ode to my alter ego

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2015/01/img_7724.jpg

An ode to my alter ego
A character of my fantasy
When fantasy was the only reality
When i was hurt and searching for me
When i was alone and in love
When i was weak and faithful
When i was strong and humble

An ode to this alter ego
A representative when no me was portrayed
An art is someone’s dream
A yearning in my eyes and imagination
An image of near modest beauty and strength
An archer in black beauty
An archer in firm softness
For that was what i was in search for

An ode to my alter ego
For forever being in my image
For forever a picture of me
For being a part of me without a second thought
So ingrained you have become a me

An ode to my alter ego
For it is hard to say goodbye
For somewhere you will be a twin of me
For sometime people do not understand
For the reason of not knowing me at all
But you is me
Just…a picture for me

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Disclaimer: for a long time i tried to search again the graphic artist of this picture. I remembered finding it in deviantart and instantly fell in love with it but the website has since grown and have so much artists and pictures it became impossible. It must have been more than ten years already i had this picture with me. I wanted to thank the graphic artist for this beautiful image and hope he or she continues to dream and create.

finally, a resolution

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i am not a person who do resolutions for a new year. but 2015 calls for one, ok , just two.

1. borrow more instead of buying books.
which is pretty obvious. i spent big on books and i have close to 300 books without realising it. it could have been more if i had not been giving away books to students, and two charities. yes, it could have been more. well, it doesnt hurt to save up a bit more for the time being. after paying my way for a diploma, i need to replenish the savings.

2. be less serious.
i need to be less angry and less serious. i want to be able to see the humorous side of things. not to frown so much and not worry so much.

nlp tools have been very helpful. i did two last night, collapsing anchor and hynotise the unconscious mind.
i wanted to be able to pick up the phone and not feel annoyed everytime it rings. because i dont know why, i hated phonecalls and it always annoys me. so i did collapsing anchor on that one. i guess it worked today.

and the hypnotic tool to train my self to be less serious and be more positive.

i have so many things to achieve this year. i need to be strong and positive. and maybe finally let go?

pre post 2014

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no. i am not going to blog about how my 2014 had been. not yet anyway. how is spend my new year’s eve? well at home. timecheck now is 9.00pm and i am practically ready to sleep because the week had been such crazy and rush. a break tomorrow only means i do not have to go out to work but i will be working from home. ok ok i know boring.

despite this festive seasons and sales going on everywhere, i am surprised at myself for not actually shopping. say this: no desire to shop. you know for like bags or shoes or clothes. i went crazy for books though, as always. i think i have had three purchases from book depository and a package from amazon. i did splurge, if you can put it that way, on three jubahs online, only because i have waited so long for those dresses and was fortunate that it was on a discounted price.

call me nerd or geek but my ‘priced’ item for the month has go to be the Kikki K minimalist organizer folder. although it is going to be my travel journal, which i have been trying to find one that suits me and what i have in mind. finally found it! finally can start doing my travel journal notes.
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and my 2015 is going to be a purple year, looking from my notebooks. three at that. i foresee a hectic year. when is there ever a ‘less’ hectic year. but if it starts on the right ‘footing’ i hope it will turn out to be a good year. In Sya Allah but i am crazy over planning and lists right now. can never have enough monologue notebooks though. and still a paper and pen person. i tried few apps on my iPad/iPhone, but i just cannot bring myself to always check my iPad/iPhone for my plans. still cant. list out certain things, yes sometimes but not major stuffs you know.

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i just want to be present every day next year. another day for that.

good night.
good night 2014.

butterflies & hurricanes

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so here is the deal.

I am excited. but very worried. very. i am having butterflies in my stomach and hurricanic thoughts in my mind. how apt.

we have about two weeks more to start the year and i am short of teachers still. the good news is, i need only three more. i think i did better this time around in recruiting teachers than previously. i hope i get more good teachers coming in. i seriously need.

i am praying and praying that the good ones will come by soon. very soon. i need them very soon.

i have my handbook ready. i have my calendar and action plan. i have my standards on the way.

i believe taking this one week leave has been good for me. just the restorative niche i needed because as much as i wish this week do not ends, i am also feeling like i look forward to re- work next week. so it should be good right? anyway, im only working for three days next week, hehe.

i have my pending tasks planned out. although i may not manage to research as much as i wanted to, i believe i do not need to rush so much and a clearer perspective that at the end, i will go through it all, i will be able to accomplish them at its own right time. it really helps that the action plan and calendar is laid out nicely. gives me less of those got-to-rush-rush nerves that i always gets nowadays. i just couldn’t wait to print out the calendar! in colour!

peace of mind i pray.

and as a mentor said, it will be just alright.

i start to believe that i do my best, have done my best, i have my ups and downs but things will be all right.

amiin.

overspent

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oh God.

i am terribly sleepy now. and it is very rare nowadays for me to actually feel sleepy. i just sleep because i had to. and it was always a ‘disturbed’ kind of sleep, where i woke up in the middle of the night and then had difficulty sleeping again.

i have just spent two evenings sorting out my clothes and bags. there’s a community service centre going to collect them. so it was definitely a good opportunity for me to give away, some unused clothes, shoes, bags and watches that i bought and didnt even wore them.

i finally had one large bag for clothes, one large ikea bag of books, some bags, and another bag filled with watches never worn and bracelets of all colours. i really hope they could give them to those who would actually wear them. and i have got to stop spending. but i was happy packing them away, putting the small items into plastic packages. the stuff all looks brand new, of course, i hadnt had the chance to wear them. the idea was to re-sell them but im really not cut out for business. giving them away makes more sense to me. i honestly love giving gifts!

this spending is really a chronic disease. i think it has something to do with insecurity? some pent up spending energy that i did not get to fulfill? maybe something i really need or wanted which i didnt or couldnt get perhaps?

in any case, the busy-ness i am having the whole of this month will perhaps control me.

i still, by the way, love giving gifts.

the heart beats

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i have never realised listening to Mishary using headphones can be so encompassing, surrounding my space and leaving no space in my brain to think of anything else but listen to the verses.

and the heart beats. the heart beats. the heart beats in awe. and the tears flutter. and the soul is alive.

dont get me wrong. you know earphones have always been the lesser effect than headphones. its just today that i put on the headphones instead of normal earphones to listen to Mishary’s recitation of Taha.

dear headphones. you certainly have found a role more important than the songs we listen to.