Haha a message from him at last!!! About time!! And he started it first…I mean, if before, it’s usually me who send an email to him first..but I managed to restrain myself from doing that and he sent one first! He said he’d feel guilty not sending one to me…hmmm where did that come from?? Why would he feel guilty?? Yeah I know he has a lot of unsaid things but he needs space, I’m giving him that. But still THANK GOD he emailed!! Can’t deny that’s what I’ve been waiting for and it did bring me a smile….

Is appreciating pink a sin???

Someone’s gone and there’s a void but what the heck….it’s not like the source of this pain cares…

Yes…I’m back home at last!!! Nothing feels the same as the euphoria of being back home to familiar missed faces and bedroom!!! And tv! I don’t know how I come to love tv so much but since most of my fave programmes are running now…call myself a couch potato….well it’s not for long anyway. There’s CSI!!! CHARMED…no matter how stupid they have become…And going out and wandering around town. It’s always some kind of refuge having to find peace in a crowd…it’s like nobody cares who you are or what you wear and I don’t have to worry about certain things. It’s a freedom getting away from books….to novels.

Yes!! I’m brain free. I just finished my last paper of exam an hour ago. And I go straight to this CC just to go online because I missed it already!!! BRAIN FREE. Two weeks of too much reading and memorising and too less sleep and not eating right I can finally breath and let go of my mind!! Since last Sunday, been struggling. I’m not saying I did very good and absolute As for my results but I guess I did better than the last time….well at least I did not have any nervous breakdown and I can actually remember what I’ve read, maybe because I did read beforehand and only leave the memorising parts till the last minute. Still, I don’t think I did my very best….what’s with the sick heart and mind wanderings and not understanding because there are subjects that I just couldn’t be bothered to open up and read….served me right but I did not voluntarily left any questions like I did before and attempted to answer no matter how stupid it may be.

Islamic Aqidah was not so hard for I can actually wrote and explained a few things in Arabic fairly well only I forgot verses from the Qur’an and Hadith when they asked for one. Intro to Fiqh, I can just hope for a pass, the questions were easy only I couldn’t explain, the words just wouldn’t come out and my Arabic is already so bad. Intro needs a lot of explaining and I was already drained out for Aqidah that morning. Yes, Aqidah and Intro to Fiqh exams on the same day. I didn’t sleep the whole night before and I think I would have blacked out if I wasn’t strong enough. I hope I will never get to do exams which fall on the same day!!! But we can never know but I promise myself if there is going to be another case of multiple exams per day, I must be totally ready for it and no more last minute readings whatsoever. I hated it to the core!!

Two days gap but I couldn’t really concentrate on my revisions because I got fever and my head was really not functioning at all. Headaches and heartaches. Studies of Hadith, Alhamdulillah easy questions and I memorised most of the terms so I hope for a good mark, Study of Quran, I was really slack reading it and not memorising well but I managed to answer and only one question that I leave, a 3 marks question and today…..Rise and Expansion of Islam.. I was seriously tired out and actually no mood at all to read anymore. Three days straight non stop exams and no proper sleep!! But since I’ve been reading history since I was in school I could remember most of the important events and I think I elaborated well and the feeling of getting to write in english was so refreshing…the last four papers were in Arabic, I love Arabic but I’m just not fluent in it yet and explaining in Arabic is seriously hard work for me. And saying that after 12 years in an Arabic school!!!I’ve promised myself to improve my Arabic next semester. Today’s paper was ok. I think I answered well….

So far so good. Nothing bad happened, not so much like the last semester. I’ll improve myself next semester!!!

And yes, amidst the stressness of exams trying so hard to concentrate on my studies….he left….last Tuesday and he only told like two days before that!!! I have so many stories to tell and a little thing to give….but he left…for Mesir. I don’t know why but I shamely cried when he told me he’s leaving through sms. It’s so damn stupid…I never cry before but I did now??!!! I don’t know, the tears just flow without force…I cried the whole day, stopping for awhile and then cried again. Damn stupid me…like he’s going to care….but it’s not like I ‘m going to tell him I cried!! He changed being more sober and he played silent games with me, ignoring my messages, but he said he’s sad that I said that….does he ever thought that I was sad too when he didn’t so much care for a little reply saying ‘hi’ to me?? Yes, he’s facing some hard times right now….but I care and he can’t compare me with his other friends…I’m me, not other people. He wanted space I understand. Just do what you like. He couldn’t call when he left like he used to….I know it’s expensive calling me across the straits. We said goodbye through sms. Stupid and lame. Of course he said he won’t forget me, well let’s see if he’s true to the words….I don’t think I’m going to make any move…I’m tired….too much thinking of him, I think I’ll rest now. Too much thinking of him…..

Amidst the business of exams, Muslims welcomed Ramadhan last Friday the 15th!!! Yeah, I had exams during the fasting month but I’m healthy and strong!!! Holy month and I hope I’ll change for the better…no more weird fantasies of the sorts and think of innocent beautiful things instead….yeah I did watch too many movies~

yeah Hoorey to me!! I made a ‘movie’!!!!

It’s some kind of promotion for this programme I’m organizing. It’s fun!!!!!

Gotta see it….

Echo

Close my eyes – Trapt

Vindicated

Vindicated – Dashboard Confessional

Today marks the start of exam week which will go on for two weeks. But solitary me find solace going out alone amongst the crowd at JJ Mall. My exam starts on the 17th and I have this one whole week to myself…I’ve been contemplating whether to go home this week. The whole family has been expecting me but I’m worried that I might not study at home but then again it could be a motivation for me to study. I don’t know….I told Ratu I might not be coming home and even though she let me stay here but she sounded sad. I miss my home anyway…..and I’ve no mood to talk to anybody…no mood for unnecessary screamings. I’m just worried for my exams. It’s a sacrifice not going home…since there’s only two more weeks to go…but I feel like I’m ready to cry any minute…. I’m giving myself till tomorrow morning and see whether I’ll just dash out and go home…or stubbornly stay…either way…I still have to study…It’s a sacrifice not going home……

Anyway back to my solitary day…I actually enjoyed myself. It sorts of cleanses and refreshes the mind.I’m quite happy, after for so many days cooped up in my room reading and memorising. And dropped by campus on the way home, went to HS canteen (the instant Singapore spot) and met few Singaporeans who are waiting to enter the exam hall.Wished them good luck and they sort of mentally motivated me.

I’m still thinking…to go home or not to go…