My classes have started and I rather enjoyed them!! And I actually have this resolution never to skip any of these classes because I have some of the best lecturers. And I guess I am eager to learn everything and read whatever they ask me to read and do the best that I can. There is no time to waste……and I think it’s the best way for me to start forget certain things.

My lecturers have been urging us to be the best and we are here with a mission and vision, to quote from a lecturer of mine “muslims are killed everyday and we are here fooling around, wasting time” she said it straight to the face and it’s like a slap to the face. I will remember those words and the face she puts on when she said that. Are we stupid? Are we ignorants? Are we blind? God, there is a lot of things that I need to do,be better and change myself. Sometimes I feel tired of the world, of the worldly things that I used to love….like all those bands I chased, like all those songs I loved to listen, like all the expensive and branded items I wanted to have…like all the glamour life I see people living…sometimes I feel tired of it all…but this is the era, the period I’m living in…and when I read friends’ testimonials, there are other good better people and who am I? I am a nobody and seemingly nothing good in me. But I know I cannot think like that. My parents have brought me up to be what I am today and I should be proud of myself. I will not let them down. There is something good in me, I just need to bucker up and be better, build up on the personalities that I already have. I’m still searching for myself. One thing I have to learn, is to be happy with my life, with what I have and going to have, with the things I’m facing. I have to try and accept them and only then will I can be a happier person. Believe in myself.

Everything is because of God. So help me God.

Hehe, there’s a new member in my family!!! And she’s called Wyte!! Well she’s a white little kitten founded a week ago..more like she found us actually. That’s what my brothers and sisters told me anyway. I went home for the weekend and just as I opened the door, there she was, greeting me~ vogue little kitten. and the weird thing is that I used to not like cats, like I don’t want to get near them at all, but with little Wyte, I got rid of any fears with cats and held her, caressed and hugged this little baby! And she’s an intelligent cat..goes to the toilet for the call of nature and she didn’t jumped around smashing things…even my mother approved of her and she has managed to make my mother smile with her antics. And I love her when she was sleeping on my lap, and when she’s really sleepy, she wouldn’t care where or how we put her, she’ll continue sleeping like a baby! Am I missing her already??? I guess God really wants her to live with us…it’s amazing how she found our home, behaved herself so well and everyone of us, especially me, begin to love her…she is a cute little thing bringing smiles to us all.

I am going crazy by the minute!!! I am so freaking crazy that it clouds all the other happy things that had happened in my life so far. So before I became even crazier, I think I will list out some of the happy things here:

1. I received a large amount of money from MTFA.

2. Classes have started, I got good lecturers this time and I can’t wait to start studying.

3. My cousin joined me in campus, quite a lot of things to show her but that doesn’t mean I have to follow everywhere she goes. She has her own friends and I have mine but we all get along together. I’m happy she’s here with me.

4. The very first Singapore Idol is Taufiq Batisah, a Malay Singaporean.

5. Going to start archery practice soon…

6. I’m a teacher to SRC’s President, the highest student post in campus…so I’m closely related to a VIP.hehe

7. Glad to be back.

That’s all I guess..and the very thing that is making me crazy is you know who..I don’t understand what is going on?? What is wrong??!! First there’s no reply at all to a message of mine…and then I received a blank unknown email and I don’t know why I so freaking guessed it was his but I don’t know if it is…and then I tried again sending a message and then there is a reply but a blank friendster message and so I replied asking what the heck is this?? and no reply from him yet…I am freaking crazy!!! What is wrong???!!! If he doesn’t want to stay friends, he can freaking say it to my face and stop every existence of his from my life..it’s as easy as that….but no, I am still giving him a chance….this is so stupid freaking crazy to the core. Allow me to scream.

Someone sent a message to me first claiming to be guilty if a message is not sent to me as making the impression that as though it is important to send me a message…and so I reply to that message asking why would someone feel guilty and then I receive none a single message after that like as though now it’s not important at all and seeming to be the most care less, can’t be bothered and heartless person when someone can actually add friends, even testimonials to others but not a single little message to this hell of confused and sick chick…and so I guess someone did message after all but it didn’t reach me and so I try my luck again and sent one saying I passed my exams and that it seemed odd someone don’t even bother to reply to my last message, disguising as a person wanting to know if her apologises were accepted since it is Eid after all….and so I checked out the site again, that maybe…maybe someone would reply to my message now…and I’m beginning to lost track of days and dates when I was online for the number of times was almost countless when I would wait for a message from someone and it never came and it’s scary to think of the number of messages that someone may have sent to some other friends…I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore…it’s damn pathetic feeling this way but I cannot get rid of it. Everytime I woke up thinking that maybe today I am myself, that my mind won’t wander to some person, in the end, someone just made itself known and continue to dwell. Stupid F**ker! I do not deserve this.

I guess I get the message now. I’m not the person someone said I was anymore…that maybe there’s another friend.. I get the message now. I won’t bother anymore less I’ll be the making a stupid fool of myself. I get the message now.

Or just maybe I spoke all this too soon. Maybe I misunderstand someone..and that is what I don’t know. I don’t want to doubt him. I really don’t. I thought I trust him… as a friend. I will get rid of this devil in me.

Shit..Forget it..

Aaaarrrgggghhhhhh!!! Thank God!! Alhamdulillah…I passed my exams!! I really couldn’t believe it..that I passed with good marks..marks which I didn’t expect at all, considering the things I went through during my exams!! That’s all I can say now. I PASSED!!!

*I’m too happy to say anything more…

I shouldn’t have let sadness or anger overrule me during these festive days….so let’s go back to the near past for awhile….

Muslims celebrate Eid Mubarak since 7 days ago, or more commonly known as Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Usually the whole family will went visiting on the first day but this year, my parents opted out the visiting, went to visit the faith departed instead and stayed home all day, watching tv…eating all those delicious food my Ratu had cooked. I prefered this way better…if only my missed grandparents were alive, we would spent the whole day in their house and people would come visit us instead and we kids would get money gifts still. They were the people I always remember and especially then. Missed those days. But staying home was a good choice because it rained heavily near evening. TV programmes were not so great but ok..I told you I’ve became TV lover.

Went out on Monday for the visiting. Same old same old. Wednesday went out with my girls [Qadar-Qzai-Miza-Mint-Dewi-Laila-Eka] to some friends’ houses…Miza drove and I think I have never enjoyed raya visits this well, although Mint and Laila was two hours’ late, we couldn’t be angry with them. We managed to go to 8 houses! And grateful that Miza’s and my house is just 1 minute away so we accompany each other and didn’t mind that it was 12 midnight when we reached home. Our parents don’t mind either .

And now I’m anxious for my exam results…which will be out somewhere next week. I am freaking nervous about it! I’m praying for the best. And at the same time I can’t wait to return to campus and start the freaking semester…I think my brain will freeze if I don’t start studying soon, and this semester would be more exciting as my cousin will be joining me there!!! I can’t wait to show her around and get her familiar with the places in and out of campus. We used to spent too much time together when we were younger and drifted apart as we grew, I guess this is the time to start having fun and adventures again. At the same time, she’s like the pusher to make me do better in my study…Call me conceited but I’m used to being among the best and I won’t rest until I’m there.

Until here then..

It’s supposed to be a happy entry today but suddenly things changed and I’m not feeling happy at all now. I’m at my anger level 4 and I won’t let it all out today. I just want to say someone doesn’t seem to care but at the same time I’m thinking what’s happening to someone? Is someone well?? What’s wrong with someone?? And at the same time quite angry for there’s been no reply from someone, no apologies as what is deemed almost compulsory during this festive days… None at all…. What’s happening??

And at the same time the song that is stuck in my head – Indecent Obsession : Fixing a broken heart…everytime I hear it, it breaks my heart..I can really feel it…who will be there for me when I turn around?? Who will make my loneliness easy to bear? It’s shit feeling this way. So shit! I don’t want to be melancholic.

I do miss him after all and it’s shit when he doesn’t seem to care. I just hope he’s all right there…

“STUPID BUGGER”

“Stop thinking”

“STUPID BUGGER”

Ok 3 more days of fasting….and then it’s Eid Mubarak aka Hari Raya!!! It seemed like time fly fast this time…I felt like I’d just fasted for like a week and it’s Eid in three days!! Went to Geylang Bazaar and was actually in a daze because the place was real crowded and I hated these crowds…it always managed to change a fine mood to a rather bleak one~ And then I realize that it’s only a few days away from Eid…No wonder the place was swarmed with people and time wasters..those who went to Geylang Bazaar not to shop but to show off-look out-wanderers.

I had been busy…went out with Ratu to buy the important things for the day and had been baking cookies and such and cleaning the house…it was fun but obviously tiring. But I only felt the tiredness last night. My whole body was aching.

And I had been waiting for a reply from a certain someone but it has yet to arrive….he doesn’t fail in making me think about him and just wondering what he is thinking and the fact that I don’t know what he really wants from me and that he’s so far away from home, from me and the stupid me just can’t stop!! Just stop thinking…it’s stupid if he doesn’t care at all!! Just forget it. The fuss with it!

If it’s meant to be..there’s nothing to worry…

And so it happened…The Hiking…at Bukit Timah…Tuesday 2nd November… with a pathetic quantity of participants which was good if we look at it ina different light. There’s only 19 of us.

Me and four others had been organising this event which was a choice chosen by the ‘honourable’ exco members and only pathetic 3 out 7 of them turned up. Can’t exactly say I’m ok with it well maybe a bit disappointed because they were supposed to come, compulsory for them~ And the people who said would come but at the very last minute cancelled them. Disappointed with all of them…. but 19 was a great company….less people less fuss less mess. And to think we had initially planned to bring along some kids from a orphanage…it was a blessing in disguise we cancelled that.

We assembled at Al-Falah at 1-2pm then a bus…freaking big bus with seats for more than 30 passengers I guessed and only 19 of us….wasted! But still a comfortable 20 minutes journey to Bukit Timah…and just nice…it rained, drizzling in fact. And the hiking was a new experience, the slope were real steep and going up was a real pain and difficulties. 15 mins of walk and we were out of energy…we were fasting of course….but as we used the jungle track, it was more interesting with trees all around us and the rain is cooling…I seriously felt like an ELF! Tolkien’s version of elves. Most of the track were steps and roots, big steps and huge roots and lots of earth and mud. And we reached the summit after two stops and almost an hour’s hiking. Performed Asr and played some cool effortless games for an hour’s rest. I think we all enjoyed it despite the tiredness, the leg cramps and the hunger and thirst. I truly enjoyed the whole thing even though I was not in a talking mode most of that day. I seriously was not in a talking mode…and well, other people ruled, whatever.

All the same I’m happy it went well. Does not matter what other people thought of it. Cool experience…Elven fantasies…I’m satisfied.