–Only One–

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there’s just no one, no one like you

You are my only, my only one

My only one

My only one

My only one

You are my only, my only one

–Mimpi yang sempurna–

Oh hanya malam…

Dapat meleburkan segala rasa

Yang tak terungkapkan

Tapi mengapa kau tak berubah

Ada apa denganmu…

1. Knowledgeable

2. Forever happy

3. Rid of all negative thoughts about people and things

4. Friends with everyone

5. Grateful

6. No moodiness

7. Forget all bad things that have happened

8. Known

I think it’s one of my moods taking over for this period of time….I don’t know, I want to be quiet, I want to get away from some people, I feel like I’m some stupid person doing nothing, I feel like I’m obliged to follow some people without my willingness… And sometimes people took me for granted, like deciding to do something without my presence and assuming that I will follow suit without any say.. Like this sudden decision to go someplace…they never said anything and suddenly asking me to follow like as though my opinions don’t matter, well I had my reasons for not following now. Furthermore, it’s not like it mattered if I don’t go. They have themselves, I might just be one stupid person following around. I don’t know, I don’t have to feel shitty about all these but I am and I don’t know what’s the cause of it. I don’t know why I must feel shitty and stupid?? Sometimes I feel asphyxiated with the same people around, me just like a shadow whom people think I am nobody without them, like I’m some dependent fragile thing! Me a shadow whom people don’t see anymore but see them instead just because they are loud.

Coming here have been a dream for me but the surroundings don’t exactly match the dreams I’ve build. I’m a seemingly nobody and people don’t care and I don’t care. What do I lack?? What is it that I don’t have and need to do to build it up?? I want to get rid of this shitty feeling.

I’m going for my archery training later this afternoon and I hope to shoot off all the negative feelings I have and start feeling happy again.. Can I just rid of it??

Oh yeah, it’s someone’s birthday today… I’ve sent a birthday wish but he’s yet to see it… I hope he knows that I’m thinking of him on his birthday and all the prayers I’ve said for him. I know he knows.

I’m not being conceited or anything but I rather like the idea of seeing myself as a trendsetter among my friends. What made me say that??? Well, for starters, I am creative among others, I had help some friends choose dresses and scarves and they rather like my ideas.

Well, here goes….I believe I started to like orange colour first…and suddenly some other people bought orange clothes and showed it off to me because I have yet to have an orange dress etc..and suddenly making statements wearing orange and I had worn slippers to campus..that was when my sandals were unusable…and maybe was seen nice and transmit coolness among others and suddenly people started to wear slippers to campus while not for classes. And one even had an orange slippers…now who started it??? And then there’s the first time I wore a black dress and a midnight maroon scarf which matched perfectly and then suddenly everyone’s wearing the same concept!! It’s me, I know… So I am a trendsetter more or less.

And now I started to wear malay baju kurung to classes and I know they look nice, but I didn’t ask for any compliments for that. I don’t know…some people think baju kurungs are out of style or maybe just for Hari Raya. Not for everyday wear…well I’m wearing it, feel very comfortable with it and actually transmitting style and cool wearing it. I’m definitely happy with that.

Therefore, no matter what I wear or how I wear it, it definitely transmit something that makes people want to follow suit. It’s ok if they want to make statements out of my ideas…go ahead, what the heck. I know I started it…well they have the right to follow me. I’m honoured. Oh yeah, I had started saying pink was rather a nice colour, while some other people stubbornly dislike pink but eventually having an item that have the colour pink in it…now who started that?? I know, it’s me.

Sooner or later, something of mine will be followed by others…trendsetter~

Five of us went to a wedding last Saturday somewhere in Klang. Miza drove. Me+Qzai+Mint+Dewi tried to keep her awake through out the whole journey. The journey took almost two hours there and the wedding was at a village. The house was nice and cosy and there were not many people around, because the groom was fetching the bride, so we had the food to ourselves. haha well, two hours journey!! Mind you! And all of us didn’t take breakfast! We couldn’t do much since most of the preparations were completed so we just sat around and talked for awhile with Miza’s friend, the brother of the groom. We didn’t know the family so I personally got bored. We went home and stopped by Wilayah Mosque. It was huge and beautiful, like a palace and I seriously felt like a princess forawhile. It was beautiful. That was the hightlight of the whole journey I guess.

And we reached campus, changed and went out again to Carrefour and spent an hour in the arcade there!!! Tried Daytone race, bike race and the most fun of all…shooting!! I enjoyed that..don’t know why got the sudden interest in arcades….I know it’s not a good place but the games are fun and we didn’t make any trouble there. We just want to release some stress. Yes of course, it’s not an everyday thing..

There’s a washing machine at my block at level one for everybody’s use aka RM2 fro every wash…so today was quite a nice day and I thouhgt I would go down to the machine and have my clothes washed….so I went. And no one was in that stuffy laundry room, soI guess, my luck!! But alas, there were clothes in there and I don’t know why I wasn’t thinking right…I thought those are newly washed clothes and I checked the clothes on top and they looked fine…. And I couldn’t possible wait for the owner to come and take out her clothes….I saw a pail beside the machine and took out all those clothes and put them in the pail… then I put mine…

But alas! Some sister came in with a small pail and it happened that those clothes were hers and they are not washed yet!!! Oh shit!! I don’t know what to do…so I said sorry I thought those were washed and she sneered at me saying that I couldn’t differentiate between washed and unwashed clothes. And I said seriously I don’t know, they looked fine to me. She had this disgusted you’re-stupid look, and I had a come-on-relax-ah look. What is to be done?? I’ve put my clothes and the detergent in the machine, for God’s sake!!! She went into the toilet murmuring angrily and the most shit part was…she banged her door!!! She banged the door to me!!! What the fuck, girl!!! This girl is the most shit!! Who is she to bang the door to me?? I cooled down, I don’t want to pick a fight over a stupid machine! But still, I couldn’t accept the fact that some girl out of nowhere in this world would bang the door. She’s lucky it was me, if it’s other people, they would have slap the girl hard. I had cooled down just now but telling it all now makes me angry again. I am bloody angry. She was the most rudest unrespectful bitch.. She thinks she’s so pretty she owns the machine is that it?? I don’t know her but I’m going to hate her for the rest of my life…unforgiven and unforgotten!! Fucking bitch!!

Not feeling so well today, had a terrible headache and had just taken two panadols. Missing home rigt now but I’ve made the decision to not go back to Singapore until the mid term break. See if i can stand that long. I don’t know why been feeling quite mellow. Maybe too tired because of the thinkings I had to do for the whole week with those questions lecturers had given leaving us pondering and wondering. But those are questions that really made me do some soulsearching and finding myself. I needed that.

And most obvious is my less thinking of you know who. I guess it’s a good thing. The feelings might not change but it felt like a burden lifted off this fragile shoulder, like I found myself back. But I can’t wait for his birthday….wish I can do something for him but he’s inaccessible. I did buy a little something but it had to be kept for now. I can’t bring myself to actually give/send this thing to him. Can I just send a little thought of prayer for him instead for his birthday?? A prayer that he’ll be well and fine all the time, surrounded by true friends, protected from anything that is going to make him sad or troubled and be the best that he can. Shit, my tears are ready to flow again. Stupid me. Of course, there are other girls right? Stupid bugger me.

Anyway, will try to get rid of all negative thoughts and whatever. Tired of it all. He’ll be well, wherever he is.

Last saturday went with a few good friends and accidentally unknowingly a few unwanted friends to bowling at Federal Bowl near Bukit Bintang. It was fun if I erased the thought and awkwardness that occurred during the whole fun trip. Soaking wet because it was raining heavily!! And we went through it all because of bowling….well I don’t enjoy bowling that much but since there was a few arcade machines there, I played those games and had more fun, escaping from some people.

After two sets of games, we went for dinner and walked again…the thing is I rather enjoyed the walk, it made me feel like I’m in some Japanese or Korean urban city, like in the dramas where the characters walked from one place to another. And that is what I was experiencing then. It was something new.

After dinner, walked again to KLCC and saw the fountains there. Nothing much, been there before, same old same old, wanderers and stupid people wasting time doing nothing there. It was an eye sore. We didn’t stay long there, and after a few minutes we went back. Overall, it’s cool.

I am void of feelings or thoughts on you know who…too many times have I thought of you know who, too many brain energy wasted on you know who, too many unanswered questions and confusions on you know who, too many tears restrained, too many cries unheard and the biggest problem is that: two of them : one is I don’t have to feel this way…and the other one is…there is a reason for these to happen and that means I have to hold on to see what is in store for me. But I guess, my brain has freeze itself from thinking of you know who, because I don’t know what to think anymore…. I don’t want to doubt you know who, I really don’t, so I won’t care for now at least.