i’m feeling unusually emotionless. i am not thinking, am not even feeling anything. just plain numb.

trainings have ended! at last. after all those running around, registration problems, food orders, forms, emails, whatever nots for the ‘smooth running’ of the trainings. there will always be the downside, people who made snide remarks. and teachers who got literally forced to go for trainings without any consent from themselves, and coming to the trainings just to find out that they had attended the same training before!! everything was chaotic. too many things in mind. but hey that’s what work is all about. haha. all i know, trainings done, and now i can concentrate on other things!!

parent-teacher meets were a disappointment. a waste of time literally. we waited for 2 hours and a half, and only a handful of parents came. for my two classes, a total of 7 parents came to collect their children’s logbook out of an expected 40 parents?? pathetic. but that too, is done!!!

yey!!!

so now i want to concentrate on three other things which needed attention to, real attention. start researching, Seri!! the neut works, primer works, teens-prep works. and i ask.
and all the books queueing up to be read haha!

and a possible date with fana and zaimah, i hope soon.

and the black parade to look forward to.

and golden compass and i am legend and enchanted, not to miss them.

and the driving e trial tests coming up.

wah, suddenly a lot of things waiting for me~ guess my december is booked!!

i want my donuts!! and have a good time! or spend the whole day at cafe@library and read a good book throughout. for at the moment, i don’t really have the mood to be happy about anything.

in a crappy mood and craznoks everywhere. it must be that time of the month, but hey…am exhausted, so little time to do so many things! so many things to think about and so little time to really spare the time and think it through, so many questions and i suddenly find myself helpless, my brain’s not working at this very moment. and all i could think of why would they even think of this things?? why make life difficult by asking these questions? (remember the story of Musa a.s and his people, when they were ordered to simply find a cow, and they go on asking question after question, about the cow, that it became harder for them to find one?? i was reminded of the story throughout skimming through the questions)

and i was told to answer them, at the very minute i was so putting my mind to doing something else which is equally important and running for deadline, dateline, whatever!

and here i am stuck in a hole. because i couldn’t think properly, and someone else in this house got angry with someone, practically screaming at this someone, when hei, suddenly everybody is at fault!! hello??? i just returned home? so ok fine, i’ll do the chores the very next minute i stepped home. would that be….hmm…fine with everyone??

i wanted to get back to answering those questions. but i just don’t have the mental energy to. but would i be forgiven for being mentally drained? No. because nobody cares. because everybody has their own problem. …so why would i be helping someone?

Lord, forgive me for being this way, i know i shouldn’t be. maybe i should sleep on it. and wake up to a new better day.

so help me Lord. give me the strength to help them. insya Allah.

yey!!! the most awaited day had passed. i had been waiting for the day, even a mental countdown towards the day. and after all the donuts and the long talks, laughters and tears. i’m too happy and grateful that we spent the day together.
after a bad morning start, a hectic week, yesterday is a heal. we should meet again soon, for a five petalled- rose doesn’t look pretty when one is withered.

there’s more days to come. we have yet to complete the quorum~

” And insult not those whom they (disbelievers) worship besides Allah, lest they insult Allah wrongfully without knowledge. Thus We have made fair-seeming to each people its own doings; then to their Lord is their return and He shall made known to them all that they used to do.” (Al-An’am: 108)

No no, this is not a proclaimation of any doubt or uncertainty. but let’s talk about a book which i am reading at the moment. IIU-pals, you have got to read the book ( My currently reading list), you’ll find some very familiar antics there.

am in no promoting this book, i started out being a sceptic towards the book. it clearly proclaimed I AM MUSLIM in a big red dot (somehow reminds me of communism) and the baby portrayed happened to look like a cute chinese baby. I opened to the back flap of the book, and bamm, there’s the author looking very pretty and all the intelligent aura, very MOD. i’m thinking, oh no, this lady is going to slammed the religion, disgraced adherents of the religion and say that look, i am so much better than you people out there. i read the first page, and found out the author grew up in a western country. oh no, this lady is going to say something bad about the malays, because clearly she seemed to be proud of her western upbringing. oh no, this lady is going to sham us muslims.

but not so fast. i almost put the book back on the shelf, but somehow, i didn’t. i thought, before i spewed all these accusations, it would be good if i read it first and understand what is it she wanted to say. she couldn’t be a personal enemy of mine if i happen to dislike the book. and days later i saw her face featured in straits times, about that very book i borrowed form the library. made me more raring to read it.

and so, even though it has not reached my favourite book level yet, i can’t help but agree with most of what she wrote in it. about being muslims but going to bomohs for remedies from spirits, about being a muslim and a nationalistic malay (in a certain country), about being muslim but fighting your inner sexuality, about being a muslim but non-philantropists. it’s how she expresses her dismay and sadness towards the community she’s living in, towards understanding who we really are, truly about finding oneself. i had to stop being a sceptic.

our values are often mixed up, when culture and religion collides, when personal conviction collides with societal blueprint, when inner desires contradicts with what you know. no wonder they say humans are complex. society, more complex than ever. who decides what is wrong or right? and when it is decided, revealed even, why can’t we just follow and have a utopian happy idealistc life?? why, if everything’s written down, why do sins happen?

humans…christians damned you with sins, hindus damned you with karma, jews damned you with lost land.

but we have always been pure. it’s a matter of maintaining that purity. Lord, this hurts. So help me Lord.

I am Muslim.

people are so afraid of change sometimes that they jumped to every mistakes, like a prey pouncing on its victims without first, appreciating first. but its normal for humans to think thus.

there was the hype of someone writing in the papers about the latest islamic education to be adopted by most mosques in the coming years. people don’t seem to believe in it,they do not think this age-appropriate and holistic idea of teaching is going to work. they couldn’t see the WHOLE picture. one slight ignorant remark from a child can make one think that EVERYTHING is wrong. a child being young. an old man being old.

it could be the commentor are not that aware of the whole process it takes to make even one page of syllabus.

it may be there are flaws, it may be there are need for teachers to be more effective in their methods, it could be the children need to be more anticipative, it could be the parents need to be receptive and not jump to conclusions. try to understand.

good things don’t always started out smooth. that’s the rule of success.

why being alive is so important?
we learn to know the challenges muslims are facing
we learn to believe in the most practical way, as well as, practice in order to believe.
we learn to understand the Qur’an and how it connects us to the world. ie. qur’an- guidebook- knowledge for life- about people, about wealth, about rewards, about sins, about forgiving.
we find out how best to practice Islam. ie. not limited to halal haram, but also expands to seeking knowledge, science, hygiene, relationship. Islam is all about balance between the material and the spiritual.
we find out that everyone is born pure. so why should we leave anyone out? everyone is invited!!