this is what happens when you have too much time to spare!! am beginning to feel bored for i have spent much time in nothingness….well, there’s always the tv and the simple chores that needed done, but then again….i had actually lost some of the midas touch that i used to have, ie, i found myself asking mother or my sisters what i need to do around house…i used to KNOW what needs to be done, without telling. thus, the comfort of studying from home and leaving in a hostel.

but wait seri…don’t forget!!! you still have one more exam this wednesday!! haha yeah, i worry i might forget that. syaspec, remind me to go back!!! and from the bulletin in my friendster, there’s news that one of the exam venue back in iiu, it’s the foyer, i think, caught fire and those who are supposed to have their exams then and there had to postpone theirs. i don’t know. how cool is that?? sabotaged?? if it’s me, i might feel yeah, i could read some more!! but then, i might feel…i study like crazzeee for this day and this happened??!!

at the same time, miss the girls anyway…aili, shasha, qzai, far, juniors zha, yun, jannah, nuriah, zahrah, sarah….

it definitely is a nice fine day. a bright day. if it rained, i didn’t noticed.
have you ever felt how when we manage to break away from the things which haunted us, we seem to be ourself again, our real old self? i felt it somehow.

anyways, just a few more days to go till my last exam, which is Evangelization and Christian Mission. no worries about it. there are hundreds of websites talking about their evangelization. i got my information from them. i have to start reading before i find myself brain freezed from the bliss of having nothing to do….at the moment.

i was in a dilemma whether to continue for masters straightaway or look for a job before continuing? i would like to continue my studies because i feel i haven’t had enough of studying, but at the same time, i can’t wait to find a job and make my family happy with my earnings. ratu and romo are fine if i continue my studies but then again, there’s the fees that my father will have to continue paying if i go for masters, and then i’ll feel like i’m such a kid still for having to depend on my parents. i think it’s about time i do something for them now. so the decision that i have made was to postpone my studies. take a year or two off. and there’s the travelling that i would love to do. the thought of working is quite scary but hey….i think i’m ready for it. had enough of skills during my years in iium with all those involvements.

and with all these discussions that i made with my parents on my future, the question of relationship always comes up, but am glad my parents are supportive and not in a rush to marry me off to some guy. for one thing, it’s not just some other guy, it’s for a lifetime and marriage is everything…commitment, care, love, blablablabla. and my Only One isn’t here yet, close but still far metaphorically speaking. i just need someone who accepts me as i am, my weaknesses and understands my role as the first child in the family….and like an acquaintance said to me (during the journey back to sg, got to know this guy named fadli)”if a guy loves you, he’ll wait for you”….words of wisdom indeed…thanks man.

oh… i didn’t mention anything about this fadli yea?? he’s like this inspiration which came to me sunday night, on the bus, he was super friendly, and my initial please-don’t-talk-to-me attitude had to give way to his lifestory. but anyway, he gave a lot of alternatives and advices and am truly grateful for that. his experiences taught him alot. and the fact that he has a positive outlook for singlehood is motivating. so i may not see this fadli again, but his is one fateful meeting i’ll remember always. hope you get to go to japan, for that teaching job, and hopefully reunite with your first Japanese girlfriend.

i’ve postponed blogging long enough already. i just need to clear my mind, do some soul searching before am able to do this. i have so many things in mind, got all mixed up. i am always thinking 24/7 and many things have left some impact on me.

being home is really a body and mind therapy. am glad to be at home this very minute. amidst the exams, i did face some melancholic times but with the girls’ advices and support, the melancholy pass and am able to get over it. thanks to qzai, far, aili, zha, syaspec who had lend an ear and thoughts for me. those were priceless. but being among you girls is all i need when i’m far from family.

the thing is, it’s complicated. i don’t need to be sad, though i did, and i don’t need to be angry but there’s an atom of it in me. but above all, it’s such a pity that this happened to people who were once close to me but i chose to pull myself away from them just because i’ve had enough of them. is this the price i have to pay? or is God merely showing me the Reality? Giving me one last sign that things are just not for me, a wake up call. am not surprised if she had had something going on since before i silenced myself from him. well there you go, the people from silent-land pairing up together. well, good for them. but as breaking benjamin’s song says it – FORGET IT.

for one thing, her words will somehow always hurt me, in the manner and tone she talks of her family and their neverending happily ever after events of the year, it used to be a pleasure to listen, but it got out of hand, and she managed to confuse good news with exaggeration and showing off. i tried to take it all in with a smile. but then….there will be times when she seems to forgot that there other people living in this world who had bigger problems and faced emotional distress other than her, and jokes don’t always come out at the right time. and the public tears she shed. i told her to keep those to herself and not infront of others but it went unheard. and that very night when she said my name loud and clear to be the head for this stupid follow-up prog…and you know why that hurt?? because at the same very minute, i was refraining myself from suggesting her name because i had the THOUGHT that maybe she already had too much in her hands. Why couldn’t she be thinking the same thing??? that maybe I had my hands full of things as well?? and if she meant it as a joke…then didn’t she remembered i had just settled the matter of new mrcs alone and actually rushed to that stoopid meeting??? i just need a little care and concern at that moment. and thus that’s the zephyr. the tipping point of a friendship which was already hanging by the edge of a cliff. Forget it.

and the him that i spoke of. well, am glad i did not let myself in too deep. there were just games and senior never really show any obvious signs, so it’s not my fault. i don’t need to do the chasing do i? senior, thanks anyway for the brief memories. but i guess it stops here. I thought i might have been the one who hurt you but then again, i don’t think so because there was nothing between us. Forget it.

and the one last thing that had clouded my mind was about one, a friend after all, and remains a friend one will, and the bittersweet words of the past and the semi bliss memories. it hurts to finally let go but it will pass. and there’s still the questions left unanswered but that will remain as it is, because i will not let myself look for one. it’s my ego. i did my part. it’s not that i haven’t been contacting one, i did, it’s just one who prefers to ignore them. how heartless. because if you don’t want to be friends with this person whom you claimed to be ‘i -don’t want -to -lose you-friend,’ you might as well just say it out loud because i will be more than happy to throw you out of my life. and the problem that haunted me was everytime i swear that i will hate one, i ended up forgiving one. but then…it stops here. forget it.

so do you know how huge a burden is relieved saying all these?? it really is a relief, a new breath of air. and i’m ready to face the new day. it felt like the blanket of darkness had unfolded itself.
just memories in spiral notebooks. there were happy moments and i’ll hold on to that.

at the library at the moment, taking a break from reading. the week is going to be hectic and mind-boggling. just had an exam this morning, deviant behaviour, which apart from the uncertainty of how well i did in that, i was more relieved that the whole thing is over with. had enough of deviance. seriously, the amount of deviant in the world is overwhelming and suffocating.

have two papers this wednesday,and another on thursday morning. and saturday morning. technically, by the end of the week, while most people are just starting to have theirs, i’m done with my final exams. except for the last paper which will be on 4th april. which is a loooonnngg way to go. be going back to singapore in between.

and amidst the exams, i had to go through some emotional distress, not really too emotional, but the thought of having something close to a betrayal causes some mixed up of emotions. anger and sad. something to do with the previous post and something new which was totally unexpected. but Allah has His ways, and the secret is out……

by the way, what do you make of the feeling whereby you dreamt of something, woke up with the thought that says THIS IS IT. and maybe the thought of you JUST KNOW IT IS??

my BLUEBLUB had crossed over. this morning. my handsome blueblub. my only comfort during times of stress and the one which greets me first thing in the morning, the one who blew a kiss everytime i looked over, the first thing i’ll look for each time i reached my room. and usually can’t wait to get back to my room, just to see him and see how he’s doing…for the past three weeks. we last three weeks. but a beautiful three weeks. he left in peace, while beside me.

my blueblub. my blue fighter fish.

a very good morning, insya Allah. Despite the stomachache i had this morning, and coming five minutes late to class.

i had a conversation with my turkish roommate last night(the third and the last guest that i entertained last night!). we talked on a couple of interesting things, but what i wanted to relate here was how her boyfriend got to be well… her boyfriend. one word to describe is he is a sweet guy. really. like right out of a nicholas spark’s novels. my turkish friend was the no-nonsense kind of person, very determined to study and so on….and this guy had been following her for three months!! he tried really hard, mannn! three whole months just following her around, get to know her through her friends, and each time, my friend would just push him away, but he persevere. and he learns everything about her just by being around.
and my turkish friend had always told her friends, that she will like a guy who would sing this enrique iglesias’ song i would be your hero or something(i don’t know enrique) and surprise2, after much persuasion, she finally agreed to go out with him, and how would she know, but he sang that exact song!!!

i have to take my hats off for this guy. this is what i call, true and honest and committed guy. you know if he had tried three whole months, finds out about you without you telling him, and suddenly sings your favourite song(a bonus would be if he plays it with a guitar. am sooo into guitarists!), you know he’s something special. this is how i would like to be…really!! so i hope that i will find someone like my turkish roommate’s boyfriend. by the way, a little prayer for Bushra, may your relationship lasts long and forever, be strong with all those challenges, it makes it all more sweeter.

a prayer for me too, may my guitarist finds its way soon…. {sigh}

it may just be not the day that i want it to be? and how do i want it to be? i have no idea. i woke up this morning feeling tired rather than refreshed, despite sleeping earlier than usual, at 11 and woke up to the sound of the call for subuh. and then i chose black instead of the initial frilly beige. had a good start for the day actually, and then it became wrong because something trivial that happened.

of all people that i had to crash to, it had to be that senior. and it’s the second time, two days in a row. what the ttooooottt is happening?? why suddenly becoming visible after so long? ok, yesterday was totally unexpected…was from class, going back to my room for lunch, was standing at celpad, taking out my umbrella, and there. coming out of a car, a girl beside. …so well, at least a sign that senior is still alive and breathing. lowered my umbrella, so that i don’t have to see them or them see me as i passed.

and just now. had lunch with aili, got up…i actually had this bad inkling..but of course how would i know what that meant? and there, surprise2, had it not been the group of brothers gathering there, i might have to say hi to senior, which i don’t want to. and senior wasn’t looking up at that moment i passed senior, i turned to the notice board, as if was busy checking out the posters there.

so why does it matter?? oh hell, nothing’s the matter. thinking back, that’s what i really wanted. to see senior with another girl. to assure myself, that i have not been the one flirting around, that i haven’t done any hanky panky with other guys, that i have kept my dignity all this while, that maybe right at the very back of my heart, there is a minute hope. but yes, it’s proof that the other side was not serious, never was and never going to try enough. seeing the other with a girl does not hurt me at all. just anger. angry that once upon a time ago, i actually thought that this might be it. when i know all along, there never was any seriousness and there were only games. so good. don’t have to bother me anymore. of all things that had to happen around now… it has to be this. s-h-i-t. i have kept myself clear headed all this while and have not been looking. so it’s not my fault. : )

and my leather ark sandals gave itself away. it lasted a whole year. i’m going to miss my favourite sandals. and had thought that i could spend the night studying, but instead, the office wanted to do spotcheck. that lasted the whole night, by the time i reached my room, i was exhausted. so what a day.

this. is. me.

finally, i actually spent the day with a good real rest after weeks of business and chaosness!!!

had archery friendly match which i did ok in. i thought i was good but others were better and i guess luck wasn’t on my side… not that i want to win anything, but at least i did not embarrass myself throughout the match. sorry coach for disappointing. but i tried hard and i practised hard. and i think halimah project got in the way of my concentration during the whole of last week’s training. seriously, i hurt my left arm badly and i couldn’t release the arrow properly because the thing kept falling instead of on the target. i did miss thrice during the match, but the rest were ok/ archery is all about physics and focus and the feel of it, and i did not feel it most of the time. but whatever it is, it passed. that’s what matters. and i can fully focus on my studies now. about time to! considering am left with two whole weeks to prepare. i really need to make it..again this time.

oh yeah, there was the assiium event which nobody came…well there were like 15 of us who came, including the only 5 excos whe were there. but alas, we got a good discussion on assiium and its people. and i might have spoken a lot more than i intended. but i just can’t keep quiet..there’s always something that i had to say and let people know what we the excos are going through, for Lord’s sake!
just how some people don’t really see the importance of assiium. some words just hurt alot but i took it as an intellectual, as an academic. especially on the discussion of gossip. i don’t know why they always like to bring this up??? it’s the traditional epidemic, being once part of the victims. and for the person who brought it up? why got so uptight,i haven’t heard any gossip about you for that matter!!do people even care what happens?? and i think what was even worst if when other people got accused for spreading gossip!! it’s a bunch of selfish lot!!some claimed to be the victim, some accused as villains. i feel like i just want to shut myself up and not see anybody…because they are selfish and they suck. what is wrong with you people?? or maybe there’s something wrong with me? but still, it opened my eyes up, like about reaching out to assiiumers? what reaching out when some don’t even bother to turn up in programmes?? these are the people i mentioned as we have to kneel down and beg…what are we? beggars? ok, now i’m getting uptight with this whole thing. but seriously now… TAKE IT AS AN INTELLECTUAL. NO HARD FEELINGS. sometimes we have to block all these elements and have an open mind towards everything. i really learnt that alot here.

miss my family alot…