this is the first past-300 post, i’ve just realised that.

i’m proud to say that the picture in this blog is 20% self made!! just a few fairy pics from deviantart and made it into a collage in Picasa! I know, nothing grand, but the feeling is nice,and am proud of it. still, the credits go to the real people mentioned at the sidebar. this will be THE skin for the time being. feeling fairy-gothic ah.

i wasn’t planning on posting, i started surfing just to relax my mind after hours of reading Deviant Behaviour. I wanna screaammm!!! had enough of it la! i want to be a deviant and not reading it can??!!

but anyway, i was reading the blogs of friends, interesting posts. the happy posts and the sad posts and the nothing to do posts, hmm, like mine. so what trigger my posting is the number of friendship posts i’ve been reading. and you know what, i’m tired of it~

i like to read the happy ones. my empathies to the sad ones. what is friendship anyway? for me, i’ve had enough of it. except for the ones who have let me stay and accepted me, and have stayed by me, or maybe i have stayed by them because they let me to. a rose can only have so much petals.

God, i so know the tribulations of friendships. since school, they never failed to trouble me. since school seh. and i thought coming to iiu would let me run away from this, but no, they haunted me as well. and the one way out, is to run away from them and think naught about them. i have learnt to keep silent and than it became a habit and it’s bliss. the keyword would be “kau nyer pasal lah apa kau nak buat” and oh yeah, don’t give me that innocent-i’m not wrong but pseudo guilty-look. i hate it.

because you see, when here we are concerned about a friend, while the friend is just void concern about you, it’s a betrayal. like how i’m thinking of one, and one is not concern about me, it hurts…but one’s a different story. now that there’s a lot of times i’ve been duped, i just got enough of it. so it’s either i don’t talk to you or…. i go silent for eternity. no choice. i’m the villain, so what? (deviant thinking infused)

but anyway, friendships are hard to maintain. congrats to those who manage to stay friends as much as possible. i salute you people. one thing i know, if there is trust, you won’t get paranoid. if there is none, it’s one hell of a roller coaster. so i say…ignorance is bliss…sometimes.

this is a fictional story that i have to write as an english exercise for a lecturer. he liked it and am proud of it. though i feel like a p6 kid writing a composition of a bad nightmare. here goes, only the first part of it. have yet to complete it.

Dawn has greeted the world. The blue and yellow hues of the sky is a welcoming sight, bringing promises to be fulfilled. The coolness of the morning air, the visible dew drops on the leaves, chirping birds, it is indeed a beautiful day, thought Mak Teh. (that’s my nenek kebayan)

“I should rise now,” Mak Teh thought aloud. Her mind is already reeling with the tasks she plans to accomplish today. Failing to plan is planning to fail, and she is not about to fail this fine day! She slowly made her bed. Her humble wooden bed, holding a thinmattress and a feather-filled pillow, covered with a faded blue bedsheet. Still, this has served her resting needs all these years. She really meant it, all these years.

to be continued…..

i was watching The Lake House for… i think… the fourth time. and i can never understand how the communication between 2004 and 2006 could possibly happen. and how they can actually meet on 2008 at the lake house!! i just don’t get it!! it’s a beautiful story all the same but where’s the logic to it?

if this kind of relationship really works than i would love to have one. a keanu reeves look -alike architect who sent a random email which finds its place in my inbox and surprise2, we have actually met but i did not realise it and fate brought it that we meet in 2008. ok i have one more year before 2008 to work that out. do relationship involves mathematics??

how fickle minded can one be? i mean, how fickle minded can i be? i was so putting a full stop to the whole headache. but then i went to read some of my past posts and then i started to remember those times……remember and remember….one had been a good friend while one’s at it. really. despite the possibility that one could have different faces at different times, one had been a good friend.

i wonder how i got into this mess? but why is one not replying? what is one implying? why does it matter to me if one’s replying or not?

i came across a friend’s blog and well..the freedom to read right… i was going to send a comment but then i had to sign up to blogster, which i opted not, so i can’t comment but i had to say..her story triggered my ….anger?

briefly, i barely knew her and she told me her lifestory one day so i guess i more or less knew who she was talking about and i just want to say, the guy who’s hurting her is such a JERK. a big one at that. I really think so. they had a relationship for years, they broke up, he got another girl, she’s trying to move on, i imagined it she’s having a struggle at it, and this jerk had the nerve to call and said he misses her still and can they meet? ok that’s how i understand from reading her blog, i don’t know anything more than that. but seriously, i’m pissed off with this guy. what kind of a person is he??!! he has another and he’s not letting this friend away from his shadow, which means hurting this friend more and more. what a selfish guy. what is he thinking? i think he’s guilty big time. and he’s trying to make it up by being a friend? BAD MOVE MISTER. get your ass out of the story la better!!

i’m getting worked up. i’m far from close to this friend, but any stranger reading her blog would be disgusted with the guy!!

back to my life….
been out these two days with my mother, to the National Library for the AKSARA exhibition, which was a brilliant one. we were the only two visitors at that time and had the place all to ourselves. jawi scripts on the story of hang tuah and sayyidina hamzah, oh yes, munsyi abdullah’s works. the author of those jawi scripts…amazing, beautiful handwriting dating back to the 15th century. bless the people who kept this for the future generation. for a moment, history felt real and materialise in front of my eyes.

oh before that, we went to a shop where my mother’s friend worked, kedai kain…looking for some materials for….convo. already?? that was my mother’s idea, but well, we’re just looking around, not buying any yet. pretty pretty cloth and lace and whatnots….mother thought of dressing me up for convo. Scary thought. not bad scary, just the thought of graduating SOON. i tend to not think about it

went to far east plaza for window shopping. and today went to mediacorp @ caldecott hill, to accompany her to collect two tix for………Taufik and Hady Mirza show at Orchid Country Club on the 24th February. Yes people, two idols in one show. How heaven can it get?? I had no idea my mother would be interested!! Wow, Ma, you’re going?? Unfortunately, I me MYself won’t be able to come back here for it…there’s supposed to be a programme back in IIU scheduled on that day! What Luck!! it’s taufik and hady mirza la wei!!! even with my less than enthusiastic support towards them, it sure is something to be getting to see these two persons that almost all girls in Singapore are mad about!! including makciks! but well, my little sister would love to see them.

have to mention that we saw Daud Yusuf there! he was in a rush and had earphones on, but he saw us and returned a very handsome smile. *sigh*
then off to the heartland at hougang mall and bought a very nice blouse for jeng3x $5!! it’s really nice, i fell in love with it at once, moreover the price! haha!!

So the rest of the week, will be burying myself with books and some of the works that i hope to accomplish before the precious week ends!!

loving life at the mo~

-YOU-

My hands are broken
and time is going on and on
it goes forever how long
so i got high and lived all that life
that i’ve taken all from granted

promise me you’ll try
to leave it all behind
cause i’ve elected hell
lying to myself
why have i gone blind?
live another life

the only way out
is letting your guard down
and never die forgotten i know
forgive me my love
i stand here all alone
and i can see the bottom

you

-BREATH-

i see nothing in your eyes
and the more i see the less i like
is it over yet in my head?

i know nothing of your kind
and i won’t reveal your evil mind
is it over yet i can’t win?

so sacrifice yourself
and let me have what’s left
i know that i can find
the fire in your eyes
i’m going all the way
get away please

this will be all over soon
pour salt into the open wound
is it over yet let me in

you take the breath right out of me
you left a hole where my heart should be
you got to fight just to make it through
cause i will be the death of you

you know I was thinking…

it’s the new Islamic year. Think about it, it’s only 1428 years ago that our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW was perfectly breathing and alive. walking on this earth spreading the Words of ALLAH. it seems short yet so long ago. GREAT MAN. Praise be upon him.

It’s how we always forget this simple things and be complacent with the life we’re living. That we forget our task. It’s like looking at other people and just thinking: Do they know what they’re doing?? do they know why they are even living?? Do I know why I’m living?

Sometimes i’m looking at people and thinking that they’re doing what they’re doing because they think they need to fulfill the rules of life, materialistic, hedonistic, utilitarianistic, idealistic. we do because we have to be on par, to be on the same status with ithers. I feel like a hypocrite but what guarantees that I’m unlike them?? I could be worst than them? looking at the students at the place i’mstudying…what are they thinking? bearing an Islamic education to their name, when they grad, what are they going to do? do they think that it’s even important to realise that they have an ‘islamic’ background? what is this identity that we’re upholding?? we’re just lost.

and me? what have i done? is my knowledge good enough to be a spokesperson of my religion? seriously, i don’t think i’m good enough. there’s still just too much that i have not learnt!! and I feel like i’m running out of time. i haven’t been reading enough. i haven’t been doing well. So help me Lord.

time will tell we say, but i say… time is most unpredictable, it doesn’t tell, it reminds.

the sweet air of singapore~ well, not that we can taste the air, the weather’s pretty gloomy but that’s alright, it still looks brighter to me.

reach home sweet home yesterday, with the heavy full of stones…rather, books…that I have to catch up with the reading..am so determined to do so.

ASSIIUM had a six thinking hats workshop today at Madrasah Aljunied, or as I just found out, Aljunied Islamic College, whatever, it’s still a school. I found myself constricted out of my creativity with the room that we had for the workshop, i mean, am not complaining, the classroom was nice enough but the light’s not bright enough (I have a thing for bright lights), granted that we had to switch off some for the screen projector, but it wasn’t dark in Al-sagoff the last time we had the workshop.

I wasn’t satisfied really, not with me. I can’t hyped myself, something’s wrong with the mood and qzai did ask me why am I looking stressed? seriously I don’t know the answer but i think i am stressed. or maybe too tired? haven’t been sleeping well all week! Aili was great for a moderator. The multimedia would be very nice if the projector’s light working brightly, i know shasha must have put a lot of hard work in it, it’s the lights ah!! facilitators were great and cooperative and creative, at that. other committees were great except that they can’t find useful things to do, can’t blame them, they did what they had to do. Everyone was doing well, except me. Seems like I was at a loss. I thought I could handle it but I don’t think so. Whatever it was, really hope that the students gained something useful from it.

just to let things out once and for all. One’s not replying AGAIN. it’s not once or twice. it’s a few times already!! it’s one’s infamous deviant pattern. i understand that now. perfectly well. you know what’s one’s behaving as? like some heartless thoughtless selfish two-faced jerk ass. i mean, WHO IS ONE??? I don’t seem to know this person anymore!! i really don’t! it really is full of shit. how could a person like one exist? i’m really am disappointed bigtime. with HELL about the dream. should have known better. who does it take me for?? shouldn’t have been so naive. of all people, i got stooped by one.

whatever~ enough already. FULL STOP. it really is. De facto. FULL STOP.