Vindicated

Hope dangles on a string

Like slow spinning redemption

Winding in and winding out

The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in

So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing

I am captivated

I am Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I’m right

I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed

But I am cleaning up so well

I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear

Like the diamond in your ring

Cut to mirror your intentions

Oversized and overwhelmed

The shine of which has caught my eye

And rendered me so isolated, so motivated

I am certain now that

So turn

Up the corners of your lips

Part them and feel my finger tips

Trace the moment, fall forever

Defense is paper thin

Just one touch and I’d be in

Too deep now to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away

So let me slip against the current

So let me slip away

Slight hope

It dangles on a string

Like slow spinning redemption…

Vindicated – Dashboard Confessional

Today marks the start of exam week which will go on for two weeks. But solitary me find solace going out alone amongst the crowd at JJ Mall. My exam starts on the 17th and I have this one whole week to myself…I’ve been contemplating whether to go home this week. The whole family has been expecting me but I’m worried that I might not study at home but then again it could be a motivation for me to study. I don’t know….I told Ratu I might not be coming home and even though she let me stay here but she sounded sad. I miss my home anyway…..and I’ve no mood to talk to anybody…no mood for unnecessary screamings. I’m just worried for my exams. It’s a sacrifice not going home…since there’s only two more weeks to go…but I feel like I’m ready to cry any minute…. I’m giving myself till tomorrow morning and see whether I’ll just dash out and go home…or stubbornly stay…either way…I still have to study…It’s a sacrifice not going home……

Anyway back to my solitary day…I actually enjoyed myself. It sorts of cleanses and refreshes the mind.I’m quite happy, after for so many days cooped up in my room reading and memorising. And dropped by campus on the way home, went to HS canteen (the instant Singapore spot) and met few Singaporeans who are waiting to enter the exam hall.Wished them good luck and they sort of mentally motivated me.

I’m still thinking…to go home or not to go…

It’s a Sunday and I don’t have anything to say really. No comment on those astrological findings down there…it’s just something to do and waste my money on. Been reading my books the whole day…and I think I did ok. Hope everything that I have been reading is stored safely in my mind. Or else I won’t let myself to go back home this Tuesday!

Oh yeah I have this analogy thought out carefully:

I am like this treasure keep well in secret and there’s something out of this world in this treasure and no one and nobody is going to find that out unless they have the special key to feel this out of the world thing…and only one person is pre-destined to hold this key and find this me treasure….I read a lot of fantsay novels, I guess but it is a beautiful analogy….where is my saviour…my hero…my blue knight…the one who holds the key~

Ok, going back to my room and continue my studying….

And here’s what boring me finds out…..

Cancer & Capricorn

A union of talents quite likely to produce harmony. Cancer is delighted to take care of the home and children while Capricorn goes out in the world to earn the family’s keep. Each helps the other to fulfill an ambition, in realms that are perfectly complementary. The Saturnine personality benefits from Cancer’s intuition, and the moonchild appreciates Capricorn’s ability to achieve financial security. They take the time to love, understand, and cuddle each other. An ideal marriage: conventional, happy, and united for life

Hmm….that does make me think for a while…ok I’m supposed to not believe in this but it does bring a smile~

And since I’m already browsing…..I’m curious to find out what being a Capricorn is……

Capricorn

Practical Capricorn, the tenth sign of the zodiac, represents discipline, ambition, and rationality, making you the most determined and persistent sign of the zodiac. Since you have such an unshakable faith in your own power, you have an extreme capacity for hard work and endurance.

Saturn, the planet of challenges and restrictions, is the ruler of Capricorn. Saturn is sometimes associated with bad luck; however, without the obstacles of Saturn we would never grow and evolve any further, which makes this planet the one that makes us tough, because it teaches us to develop patience and staying power.

Capricorn is the third earth sign, which means you know that you can’t live on inspiration alone, and therefore, you have become a down-to-earth realist, and are willing to take care of the daily chores. For that reason, stability and consistency are very important to you.

You, Capricorn, rule the tenth house of the horoscope, a sector associated with career, social standing, and personal aspirations. Furthermore, this house describes your ambitions and goals in life, as well as your public image and your reputation in your social circles.

Capricorn is a cardinal sign, meaning that you don’t wait for others to take action – you charge right in making full use of your qualities of pragmatism, efficiency, and diligence.

You have many strengths, dear Capricorn, because with diligence and patience you work to reach the high goals you have set for yourself. Your calm, diplomatic, and pragmatic approach is admirable. On top of that, once you commit to something, you feel responsible and accountable for what you do, which makes you such a trustworthy and loyal person.

However, you also have weaknesses. Sometimes, you can get very pessimistic and skeptical. You don’t always have the flexibility to make a quick change in plans if something doesn’t work. You are also known for being calculating and despotic at times, as well as cold and indifferent.

I was just browsing somewhere and came across this…..here’s what being a Cancer means~

Cancer

Your sign is that of sensitive Cancer, the fourth sign of the zodiac, the sign characterized by deep feelings and protectiveness. You are known for being nurturing, hospitable, and imaginative, and all your effort goes into making your home a safe place for you and the people you cherish.

The Moon, is the ruler of your sign, and makes you a very intuitive and empathetic person. Like the ebb and flow of the tides, you are both receptive to those you love and willing to offer comfort in return.

Being the first of the water signs you have psychic powers, and are able to sense feelings and thoughts in others – you feel rather than think. When you love someone, you love truly and deeply, and have the desire to connect on a profound level.

As a Cancer, you rule the fourth house, the sector of the horoscope that describes your emotional roots, your home, your childhood, and your parent of lesser influence, usually your father. Most of all, the fourth house stands for attunement to your inner self.

Your sign is a cardinal sign, which means that your parental instincts compel you to protect and fight for the security of your loved ones. You thrive on drama, and get stronger in situations of crisis.

Your strengths lie in your ability to adapt and cooperate, and your wonderful way of providing comfort. You are devoted and selfless in your dealings with others, which makes you a very dependable person. Since you are attuned to your unconscious, you have a strong imagination and are in touch with your intuition.

One of your weaknesses is that you can get hypersensitive and moody when someone fails to show you their love and appreciation. In situations of insecurity, you sometimes show immature, manipulative, and even tyrannical behavior, and others could see you as overly possessive and dependent.

I’m bored right now but I think I have a lot of things to say…for what had happened this week…. Monday was ok. I think I woke up rather late that day and nothing much happened…wait I’ve been waking up late the whole of this week!!! Ok except on Wednesday. What would my mother say to that!!! But can’t help it, I have no classes this week ..it’s revision week. Tuesday…nothing much. I can’t remember what I did..oh I think I went to campus to go to lab but the place was full. I so wanted to email him that day!!! Had Tilawah exam on Wednesday. I think I did well! The examiner was so cool, he let me read a few lines, ask two questions from one simple word of an ayat…I answered correct and then khalas….finish. That’s it. And some of my friends got examiners who asked so many questions, especially when they know we are IRK students. Thank God for the so lenient and relax examiner that I got. Hoping for an A but since he was so easy testing me, I’m afraid he would give undesirable marks. I was actually surprised, I even asked him, that’s it?? He said yes that’s it. Maybe he was a foreigner examiner…so he’s lenient.

And afterwards, I got to send him an email. A rather formal kind of email. I hope he’s not intimidated by it. But it took me one whole hour to ‘write’ one for him. It’s been so very long since I send him an email…it’s all because of him ‘hibernating’ even though I have so many things to tell him, I don’t know how to start it…until last week, he sent an almost ‘heartbreaking’ message…at least there’s something to start the ‘conversation’

The thing with him was that sometimes I don’t know who he is, I don’t know what he wants….but I don’t want to get angry about it and ruin a friendship. I think he knows…He always seems to know. And I know he have things kept from me but he will tell me all about it one day…he always do. Anyway….I’m trying to stop thinking too much since my exmas are coming nearer by the hour!!! Starts on the 17th! Stop thinking and concentrate on my studies for now! But I think I’m restless because he’s leaving for Mesir soon…I don’t know what to expect. I sent him that email and I have yet to receive any reply. I doubt if he even care to read them….

Later that day, had a rehlah meeting. This is amother worrying thing. I’ll write on that when I have the time…not now..so many things going on for now but I just hope this rehlah will go well…because I’m organizing it with four others!(+Qadar+Hafiz+Haron+Izhar)

Thursday, a Turkish friend bought lunch for us. She had been a committee for IA secretariat, and the six of us (+Qadar+Qzai+Mint+Hafiz+Bro.Rosmadi) was treated a turkish meal, made of bread and tomato sauce with yogurt and beef/chicken. I can’t remember what it is called but it’s nice and very fulling!!! Later went to bazaar which nothing much there. Food and vcds. Same thing every week and people seem to love going there like a weekly routine!!

Friday and today Saturday…nothing much but I had been reading and studying…..I hope I didn’t waste my time because this time I really have to score better. I wouldn’t want to waste the money and the time spent here. Even my brother is supporting me so I have to do the best for them…. no matter how hard it is….especially now when I’m facing this sickness called ‘him’…my family matters most, because the specialist to the sickness ‘him’ don’t seem to care…well I don’t know if he does, he himself is sick, so all that we both can do is to concentrate on our studies, and let time be the remedy. I will let time decide. But exams…no time is going to decide for me…I will decide what I want to see on my result slip. All the best Seri!!!

When you are not doing your best, you are wasting your time.”

A lotof things to say for a whole week of existence. Where do I start?? Now….what happened on Monday?? I think there’s nothing much on Monday because I deliberately skipped my morning class and stayed in my room the whole afternoon…and later I did went out with Qzai, Qadar, Miza and Dewi to pre register our subjects outside campus. We wouldn’t want to register in the labs here, it’s like the most barbaric things girls could do….there would be rushinsg and pushings and I guess, small catfights with shooting words and flaring faces. Scary~ and furthermore we had to be fast for the subjects we want or all the sections for the classes would be closed and we’d be left with nothing. It’s better, and more relaxed to register outside campus. Some of my friends who did register in here…they managed, got their subjects but they had to go through hell. Whereas me and my friends, we went to one of the internet cafes in Gombak, so much wiser and less hectic. I got to register for my subjects in such patience that we can actually think properly, which I don’t think we could in chaos. So I got my subjects for the second semester: Studies of Religion 1, Intro to Sociology, Study of Qur’an 2, Islamic Ethics, Arabic for Islamic Studies 2 and Fiqh Sirah. Six subjects. And I was supposed to register for a Halaqah 2 but I couldn’t and that’s what I don’t like because that will mean I have to wait till the new semester to get in one of it’s class. I prefer to be done with it now but I guess, no luck. Still, I’m happy and grateful as I got my subjects with the lecturers that I want.

Tuesday….went to classes, and later at night, there’s an Annual General Meeting for IRKHS’Students Society where they say goodbye to previous executive members from the past tenure and elect new ones. I was nominated but I didn’t qualify yet because we have to be at least in our second year and I’m only in my first year first long semester. That’s ok, I can always try again…what’s more me and my friends have good relationship with most of the people active in IRKHSS Society. Most are popular choices for the new tenure.

And me and Qadar ran to a farewell party for our three of our seniors who are graduating this semester. Quite interesting…there are cool games-

1. Everyone of us present are given a slip of paper where we have to write three sentences of three words each describing ourselves and the senior, Siti, which sadly only she was present, guess who this person was….my clue was, I guess the coolest:

i: Blue boots….I’m the only one who wear blue boots around here.

ii: One of three….there’s three of us born on the same date 14th July (Izhar + Najib)….and there’s three of us who share same initials S.Q (Qadar + Qzai)

iii: Strings of rhythm….pretty obvious, I can play the guitar.

Say out these three clues, even though pretty vague but most of them are able to guess who especially when it comes to strings of rhythm. My ‘twins’ had already glanced at me right since the first two clues!!! But the senior was blur for the longest time ever but she managed to guess it’s me.

2. We are divided into groups and given 15 straws. We had to make the tallest but also the strongest building those straws. I immediately know we had to have a four sides base, lesser than that and the wolf can easily blow it away….and it turns out only our group thought of that so even though we are only the third tallest building, we are the strongest!!!! So we won that part.

3. Made a card for the senior…..our card was flower shaped and I drew the roses and my teammates say they’re cool…I’m flattered of course and we had creative people in our team and we love our card!!!

4. Magic carpet…standing up on folded newspapers to the smallest possible folded size. We managed coz all of us were slender built….

It was fun I guess…and then the teary session which I don’t really concentarte. Nothing to cry about..people come and go, they have their lives, we have ours and life move on…Just don’t lost contact.

Wednesday…had a meeting for the rehlah committee…fun and brain drain and strenous. We stayed till late because a lot of things have to be thought of…games, transportation, food, collaboration, back-up plans, objectives and a lot more. But I’m satisfied because we covered all the important points….And me and Qadar didn’t sleep the night to finish our Study of Qur’an homework!!! We skipped that class the next morning!

Thursday…went to the later classes and guess what…I’m one of three again because three of us wear the exact same purple colour of shirt!!! Me, Fadillah and Rozana..Fadillah and me wear even the same light purple scarf and black pants! Felt amazingly happy even with only three hours of sleep!!!

Friday…no class at all but still had to go to campus as I had a test, together with Qadar. And we wore brown!!! I wore my brown dress and she wore brown all over!! Didn’t expect that!! The test was a bit easier maybe because I did read up on it!!! Hope for better marks please!! Went back and watch vcd, a Malay stupid comedy movie, with no message, other than laughter for stupid jokes and polluting the English language.

Saturday…had a Halaqah exam which was quite easy. 40 multiple questions on general things but seriuosly out of the book…which most people won’t read…I did a little reading on it..just in case and I’m glad I did coz I don’t think it’s wasted….I love reading anyway…I went out with Qzai and Dewi and I’m one of three. We wore all black!! All the coincidence! We searched for orange scarf for Qzai and her mum…we chose the best!!!! And Qzai’s scarf match so perfectly with her dress!!! It rained heavily and we went to A&W for hot waffle with melting ice cream of strawberry toppings!! Waited for Qadar, Mint and Miza to arrive from their exams and we went to Petaling Stret to shop for more of Qzai’s things. I thought I was going to buy a red sweater with a hood but none attracted me so I end up with nothing but the rest did shop for caps and posters and bags…

And the highlight for the day…his messages. I had an inkling that he’s going to message and he did…he said a lot in a few messages. But I couldn’t reply any of it, my credit had expired and I haven’t top it up yet. I borrowed Qadar’s phone and senda short message to him. I wish I could talk to him right there and then, I wish I could help and make him happy but I can’t. I can only pray for the best and I’m coming home next week..he’s on my agenda. I’m just worried I can’t get to see him before he return to Mesir. It’s just that he’d call right before his flight and it would be sad if he couldn’t do that this year. I’d be crushed! He told me why he had been quiet…and he didn’t mean it…but I still think I don’t deserve the treatment but I couldn’t say that..just not through messages….I prefer if I can just say it right to his face! I have a lot of things to say to him!!

Ok I’ve been in front of the computer for three hours already and I’m paying for it by the hour!!! Got to stop and continue later….

Welcome to existence

Everyone’s here

Everyone’s here

Everybody’s watching you now

Everybody waits for you now

What happens next

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened

Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout

Welcome to resistance

Redemption is here

Redemption is here

Between who you are and who you could be

Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened

Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Where you gonna go?

Where you gonna go?

Salvation is here

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened

Today never happened

Today never happened

Today never happened before

Dare you to move – Switchfoot

No I’m not alone….even though a lot of Singaporeans have gone back to homeland…there’s still Qzai and a few others…and I’m spending time with Qzai but right now, I’m in CC and she’s in the tv room watching some award show….I’m not interested in the show and anyway there’s so many people in there I can get suffocated!!!!

Aaaarrrggghhh Nak balik Singapore!!!

I’m supposed to finish up my notes but I just have to go online…I just want to blog and try to release some tensions in my mind but I ended up going to stupid friendster, saw his pic and that hurts me! I still am trying to decide whether to email him or not….it’s my pride I know….

I teach a friend English today and I hope I did well~

Miss him but hate him. I wish I didn’t know him. Well, let’s play this game~