i actually wanted to send a rather much anticipated message to someone, but I have friends on both my right and left side of me, who are eagerly typing out their assignments, god knows what, and keep asking me to look at the sentences and to correct it and the freaking thing is I couldn’t help them because my mind was here!!

Later saturday night… oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I didn’t get to follow ASSIIUM went to Rumah Solehah, because of the freaking debate. I actually missed the girls!! And wished I was there with them with the children!! Aili messaged me inviting me to go to Kak Sarhani’s apartment to spend the night because there’ll be a blackout that night. The whole IIU affected. I so want to go with them but I can’t because of the freak debate the next day. I thought I will go and accompany Nun and Aisha and gave them some moral support. I wished I had just forget about the debate and just leave everything. But I didn’t.

So I spent the night reading up newsweek magazines and Hamas articles with a candle and matches right there in front of me. The blackout was to be expected at 10 pm. I was anxious about it because I was alone in my room, my roommates all three went back home.

10.00pm – Nothing happened. (Yey, the blackout’s not affecting IIU after all???)

10.05pm – Still nothing happened, but matchsticks ready at hand.

10.15pm – Yey!! It’s just rumours then!!! (but hey spoke too soon)

10.20pm – Smiling ear to ear

10.30pm – AAAARRRRggggHHH! I’m surrounded with UTTER DARKNESS

I’ve never been in THIS kind of darkness all my life. I really felt like I was dead or in some unknown place. I was so shaking when I lit the matches and shit, the flames kept going off!! And so I’m accompanied by a soft and warm candle light. It’s so comforting!!! I looked outside the window, and oh my god, it really was darker than night. I wouldn’t want to be out there. But there were some girls at ‘stage’ of Halimah and they were having a laughing and shouting, and that’s a comfort also.

And Orlando Bloom looked so handsome and romantic in the dimly lit room. haha.

so where should i start??

i’ll go with what happened at the intermahallah debate. I kind of had a culture shock for awhile there. Saturday morning, i had to stand in for Aisha, my Kenyan friend who’s in the ream but she had a mid term exam that morning. I really did debate, with another friend Nun. I can’t believe I actually did it. I was able to forget reality and just blurted out what I have to rebut and said. Of course there are so many other debaters, who ARE DEBATERS and they were freaking good. I realised that debating is just not having a say in a motion and standing up for what the side you are representing, there are the presenting techniques, how to give a speech CLEARLY and make the audience understand what you’re trying to say and be convinced by you. the judges were cool, they gave constructive comments and advices and how we can improve. But since I was just standing in for someone else, I only debated twice, and the rest were up to Aisha and Nun. They were good as well. Another Mahallah Halimah’s team was Manezha and Tuba, they were our only hope and they did it. Both of them got the best speakers award! The championship was exhaustive! We had to debate rounds one after another and you’re given only 30 minutes to prepare after the draw and the motion announced, before the debate. It’s a brain drain.

I learnt a great deal in the intermahallah debate and am considering whether I should join the club. I made new friends there and kind of alright with them, most of them are international students. I think that the club may help to improve skills like in the way we express our ideas and such. I may not be representing IIU teams or whatever, but I think the skills acquired would be good. Though there are some stuck ups but who cares. It’s a learning process. Another thing was most of the debaters were from non-irk kulliyahs, i only know jeton from bosnia who is a course-mate of mine, he’s still stuck up though, who’s in the debate club, but that’s it. Where are the future leaders and imams?? Why are they not expressing themselves?? There are students in the debate club who can’t speak a word of English, but they tried! Why can’t the irk students??

am joining inter mahallah debate. at the same time, assiium has a programme tomorrow, a visit to rumah solehah, a home for hiv+ children. I feel bad not being able to join them. I feel really bad.

and this debate thingy. there wouldn’t be a problem if no one backed out!! kepala otak ah! and now i’m obliged to stand in for one or two. I’m freaking worried but the trick is to not think about it. just pretend there’s nothing exciting or nerve wrecking about it. it’ll be just another day. i’m not smart enough to be in a debate at all but i’ll try my best. whatever.

pray for me. sorry assiium, shasha especially, can’t join you as much as i wanted to, i’m stucked in the middle of nowhere, almost~

hehe. a someone who actually made my day! Had a meeting with SRC and I went with my president and secretary. So there were a few other presidents of MRCs and kulliyah based societies. I was actually eager to attend the meeting, knowing there’ll be the SRC president. HE IS CUTE!! And let’s just admit that I do have some kind of a crush on him. It’s just a crush, mind you. Just someone to look forward to everyday to help me get through this life~ yeah right!

I participted in the meeting, giving my opinions and such and after the meeting ended. I took the opportunity to chat with him and brought up an issue that some of my fellow singaporeans are facing at the moment in their leadership class. So we chatted. He is so the crush-material for most girls. Like he stands tall and looks straight at you while talking and smiles shyly. Dreamy already~ And how could I forget- he asked my name!! before I left!!!

But oh well, he’s attached I heard. Too bad. To think that I’ve had a crush on him since my first year. First time saw him in this Malay-Celpad programme, he was a facilitator from Caring Club and saw him a few times with Br Imad. But yup, it’s just a crush.

Still he made my day, not a certain now-guy.

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

yeah I’m back within an hour after my last post. Just when I’m on the rhythm to post, the lab had to close~ So I’m back, at Halimah’s net room. Anything for the sake of a blog!!! So what had I been ranting about just an hour ago?? About a stupid guy~ I’m being nasty saying this out loud but I’m just going to let it go. A friend had asked me once what if he reads my blog?? I doubted it but in case, he’s reading, what the f&&k, it’s what I’m feeling and I’m being me in here. And he should know that he’s losing it. Losing me. Or maybe I’m being irrational. Still, I’m going to see what’s heppening next, what’s with the mistaken identity that he saw just now. Let’s just pretend it was me there. ANd I didn’t reply to his message because I didn’t have the credit and he KNOWS about it. And if he really cared, I was thinking, he should CALL, not sms. If he had call, maybe I can ‘forgive’ him there and then. And if he REALLY F$$$ing cared, he would have call me BY NOW, since I didn’t relpy to his msg earlier, and he should be worried and anxious to seek for my forgiveness…and maybe I would have tell him he got the wrong person there, I was still in campus at that time. (For the record, I went out at 6.45pm, and I went to Wangsa Maju, NOT fu**king otk). SO since there’s no msg or even a missed call from him today, and I will not make the first move, whatever the situation is, I’m disappointed with him. I’ll give it a chance anyway. Still, THANK LORD, it didn’t really happened, that it wasnt me he saw. What if it’s the reality? Things would have been worst. Considering my rantings was BAD, it would have been badder. THank LOrd. Seriously I don’t know what he’s on about? What does the now-guy wants?

Is it wrong to want a guy who likes me and will try hard enough to get close to me and try to make the first moves? Make it clear what friendship he wants from me? Is it so wrong? I’m a very difficult person to please and it’s even harder to get my attention, I’m 60% independent, and so will the guy just try? If not, just F@!# off.

I’ve been bad and cursed a lot tonight. But I can’t help it. Nitez~

Lifehouse’s Blind was featured in a column on Sunday Times as one of the nicest emo songs. Heh!! I know that already! I wasn’t reading the column properly but saw the lyrics in italics and instantly knew it’s lifehouse’s. The song IS nice.

Anyway, most of the girls are wearing pinky pinky today. A way of making ourselves happy and feel a touch of love among ourselves. I’m feeling cool myself, considering I did not sleep the whole of last night doing my article review on John Hick’s On Doing Philosophy of Religion, and went to campus waaaaaaaayyyy earlier than usual to rush to the lab and typed out my assignment before handing it in in class at 11.30 am. And I’m proud to say I MADE IT!!! Yeye! And the brothers at IRK lab were cool. OK that’s just a statement, no need to elaborate. I’m surpirsed I’m not sleepy at the moment but maybe I’m saying it too soon, because I’m having another class at 3.30pm and not really sure how exciting the class is going to be.

And by the way, yesterday night was talking about girls stuff last night with Aili and Mary, and I was saying that I don’t understand why the guys I know and seeming to like me always have to tell it to a third person, like some mediator. Why can’t they just tell it to my face?? Even if they want to say they hate me, I would rather have it told straight to me!!! SO WHY should there be someone in the middle? and to make it worst, it always have to be this same friend who will be the mediator. Am I cursed for this?? It’s not only happening now but HAVE ALWAYS been, since secondary school!!! From Ridha, to Anuar, to Faizal Hussein, to Syafuan and now this some senior guy!! And the thing is they never worked out!! So will the now-guy another name added to the history list?? Is it or is it not good?? The friend is not to be blame, she is a very good friend, but yeah, looking back…I’m just beginning to wonder?!

To the now-guy, please tell it straight to me…or I may begin to just ignore the whole thing and never even tried.

Ok I have like 30 more minutes in irk lab. My initial plan was to go out to wangsa maju and take out some money but then right after class, i suddenly find myself in this lab. hmm… habit i guess.. I always either go toitd or this lab after my classes end at 5 pm so here I am. But been reading some cool messages, not just idling around the virtual world.

Raed about an article by an ustaz, whom I know and worked with him during Forum last year. He was talking about young relationships and truthfully, I know he was talking about IIU and IIU-Matric students, like how ‘special’ friendships developed between brothers and sisters, not through dating but through smses, emails and societies and programmes as a way to meet one another. I mean, these are so the way the locals, especially the ‘alim’ locals have their relationships. And yes, there’s those ridiculous nasyid songs talking about love. Nasyids have lost their significance and the real message to convey. There’s pros and cons. On one hand, nasyid love songs talk about love and in the end realising there’s only one true love, which is love to Allah. I mean it’s true, but somehow or rather, it’s just not nasyid anymore when the object of ‘worhip’ is not initially Allah, but to a guy or a girl. Don’t blame me if I’m not listening to nasyids. They are pop love songs now. Verbatim. And they’re just trying to justify that their act is right.

I don’t know how to put it but I guess easy for me to say because I’m not in a relationship, I don’t understand the needs of those who are involved. By the way, A question which have always been in my mind since my schooldays is, how do my ustazs and ustazahs find their partner?? They don’t go for dates, no calls at night, no emotional letters??? I never quite find the answers, they always brushed of the question and say, you shouldn’t bother yourself with these questions, just concentrate on your studies!! But it never fails to amaze me that my teachers all seem to have just the right partner without looking for it. *sigh*

Anyway, on a last note, I want to be like Dr Haslina, Dr KamarOniah, Dr Thameem Usama and others to be added….I’m thankful to Allah for giving me the opportunity to be their student and learn not just the knowledge they’re teaching but the hidden qualities they portray in presenting Islam. They are my mentors, truly my teachers.

I skipped class today. Intro to research methods class. No specific reason, I just feel like skip class. Nobody asked me to and it’s impromptu from my part. I went to Social Control class, got back my first test and thank god, passed that! Later on the way to the mosque, the person I’ve been trying to selfishly avoid unreasonably, was suddenly right in front of me and which at that moment I was walking absent mindedly and did not noticed anyone, I mean the place was crowded anyway, everyone’s rushing to class. He greeted me but I was speechless. and I went without a word. Why ME? Why the act?? Went to the mosque, prayed zohor and that’s it, I decided to skip class.

He was not the reson why I skipped class anyway. I’m just in one of my stupid moods and everything don’t seem right and all that I need to do was close one eye to everything and pretend nothing’s wrong, I mean there is NOTHING WRONG. And SMILE. And what made me genuinely smile just now was reading najib’s answers to those bulletin surveys at friendster!! Funny guy.

Later going to night market with the girls. Hope that will cheer me up.

I remember reading something that when one is always sad, it’s a sign of weakness of the iman. So there must be something wrong inside me which I have to do something about it. I need to sort myself out. Things are like jumbled up wrongly. Where’s my priority, my needs and wants and the responsibilities deep in my heart and the person that I want to be and the person that I want to be with. It’s all chaos.

Give me the strength.